never

Never did I think I would get to the point where I had to plan out when and what to eat. I never thought I would one day have to force myself to eat.

I don't know what's going on with my body-but I SWEAR I am not anorexic; I do NOT have an eating disorder. I have a healthy and positive self-image, and I am not overly concerned with my weight. And yet, the past few days have been horrible. I've been shakey and lightheaded, slightly nauseous and weak. And it's all because I haven't been eating, really. My body needs more calories than I'm letting in.

But when I try to eat, I just...I can't do it. It took me over an hour to eat 3/4 of a banana yesterday. The smell of food makes my stomach turn-I want to gag.

I think part of the reason why this came about is because when I'm with people, or when I'm just busy, I have little regard for my body. I am so afraid of inconveniencing people around me, that I just tell my stomach to suck it up and wait it out. And then by the time I get home, it's too late for me to just go and make something to eat, because it's not healthy to eat late at night, right? And then I don't eat breakfast in the morning, because I'm too "busy." So basically, I eat two meals a day, but my stomach has shrunk since summer, so I can barely force down anything during lunch and dinner.

I need to start making time for me. Last night, I wrote out what I was going to eat for breakfast and stuck it on my laptop. It sucks, knowing I have to actually plan what I'm going to eat, but hopefully this strategy will keep me strong and healthy.

Sigh. So sad.