Finally, a breakthrough. I am so stubborn that it never ceases to amaze me that insights break through this thick skull of mine at all.
But after constantly questioning myself-my heart and intentions, I have finally realized that it is not about me and where my heart is, it is about God, and where His heart is. How typical-of course I check myself to see what I'm doing or not doing, but I don't bother to look up and see what God is doing.
I realized this only after weeks of soul-searching, endless "heart checks," and self-examination. Focusing on myself, naturally, leads to negativity. Guilt and shame, my unrelenting companions. But when I place the focus onto the Lord, "all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory" as John Mark McMillian puts it.
I fully believe that God doesn't want us to dwell in our shame and misery. Yes, He uses them to bring us back to Him, but He doesn't enjoy the process any more than we do.
I want my heart to be aligned with the Father's. How could I have been so blinded? If I want to know the Father's heart, of course I should look at my own. Sarcasm.
It is always about God. Always, always, always. And yet, how often I forget this simplest truth! Thank God that God is abounding grace.