Sunday, November 29, 2009


There's a giant outside and he's knocking on my door. Knock, knock, and I'm afraid the whole house will collapse. I squeeze my eyes and hope he'll give up and leave the door intact. As the knocking continues it sounds more and more muffled, so I look through the window. To my astonishment, the giant is shrinking! Smaller and smaller until I have become the giant.

What does it take to be the bigger person? Does freedom liberate or empower?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


Oh my gosh, God is SO good and so faithful. Ahhh! I've been going through SUCH a stressful time, and one of the causes of my stress has been a strained relationship with a close friend. Well, after like a 2 1/2 hour conversation tonight, things have been laid bare and are out in the open. I can't even tell you what a relief it's been, even in the short while it's been since we finished the convo.

I didn't think I had the strength to go through with talking to this person. I even wrote a post entitled "A Letter I Don't Have the Courage to Send," where I just wrote out everything that came to mind that this person had done to hurt me. But somehow, God was just there with me and fulfilled His promise to give me the strength I needed to confront this person.

As hard as it was, it felt so freeing just being brutally honest with how I was doing. And I know that my brutal honesty probably definitely hurt this person, but I think it added just some scope to my pain. In essence, I'm not sorry for hurting the other person by letting them see my pain, which is something that is very unusual for me. I'm just so grateful that our friendship was spared.

AND something else I have learned is that I have amazing friends who happen to be prayer warriors! I truly believe their prayers made a huge difference!

Ahhhhhh I just have so much to think about and process and just praise God for! He is so good and worthy to be praised!!!

Thank You, Jesus for tonight!

Monday, November 23, 2009


Ever feel like God just asks way too much of you? Welcome to my world. I just feel like God is really challenging me with something. I feel like He's asking me for more than I am capable of giving.

This whole dying-to-yourself thing is way more difficult in practice than in theory. Ugh. I need discernment and direction. Now. (Please.)



God just told me that I can handle the stuff He's put into my life right now. And that I need to trust Him for the strength to get through it.

Sunday, November 22, 2009


Some people spend their entire lives running from themselves. Unfortunately, most people find they can never outrun themselves.

So why bother?

Saturday, November 21, 2009


In therapy yesterday, my counselor made a comment which really resounded for me. I had just gotten through talking about my feelings (of course) from the past two weeks (which have been really hard for me), and she leaned forward and said, "Sarah, this is a lot." And that comment, just the acknowledgment of how hard it's been for me, made me want to cry. I realized that I don't need a lot of accolade for my accomplishments or anything that I do. But I feel so affirmed when people recognize the effort I put forth in doing things. It doesn't need to be a big praise.

She also said the following in her assessment of me: "Sarah, something that's very interesting about you is that you have been continually hurt a lot by people you love or want love from, but you still keep on loving people. That's a very hard thing to do. Why do you do it?"

Talk about a piercing question. Why DO I do it? In my head, my Christianese answer kicks in. Because of the love God has shown me. But does my heart know that answer, too? I'm somewhat unsure.


I think I've figured out something about myself. I am happiest when I'm living in the present. That's why throughout my day, I can be so happy and certain of God's love for me.

But then night hits, and I toss and turn as I reflect on my past. I analyze and process everything that happened during the day and find connections to my deeper past to explain my emotional responses. That's when I doubt myself. That's when I'm unsure of God actually living in me, working in me.

Looking toward the future is what inspires me. I can't wait to do all the things I want to do. But the future makes me feel so impatient and almost impotent to do anything but wait for the future to come around.

Friday, November 20, 2009


I never was very good at distracting my anxious mind with something else. At the end of the night, I'm left with myself and my problems. If I can't even stand myself, how can I expect others to be around me for the countless hours I impose myself on them?

I guess what I'm saying is, at the end of the day, I'm left with me, the big issues at hand, and God. And I can't focus on God until I've worked through my problems. I've never been able to just shove the big stuff to the back of my mind. It always seems to find its way back to the front. Maybe that's a good thing. I see it as a blessing and a curse. Most nights I just want peace, but I need to stay up for another couple of hours to process through my day, to remove every obstacle between me and God.

Tonight's just one of those nights where I have too much going on in my head/heart to waste it actually sleeping.

Thursday, November 19, 2009


Enticing title, I know. But this isn't going to be a tirade against the male species, nor will it be an entry devoted to pining after them, either (tempting though it may be with the premiere of New Moon and a very muscled, shirtless Taylor Lautner around the corner) . Instead, I just wanted to take the time to mention how blessed I am to be in fellowship with so many great guys who desire to grow in the Lord.

This morning, I woke up early to meet with one of my dear friends that I haven't talked to since summer. I was so encouraged just from listening to how his quarter has been, and how God has really shown His sovereignty and provision in his life. This is something that I love about my friend; he just dives in deep with minimal prodding. It was so refreshing to hear that he is longing for authentic fellowship, especially brotherhood, with the guys in his Bible study. I love his transparency and openness. And after I shared how I was doing and the stuff that's been hard for me this quarter, he took the time to really understand how I was feeling, and totally built me up and encouraged me. Every time we meet up, which is not nearly as frequent as we would like, I feel like I get a taste of what it looks like to live as brothers and sisters in Christ. Talk about a great start to my day! This is a summary of how I feel about most of the Crusade men I'm friends with. I love their hearts! Their passion for God is undeniable and real, and something I want to emulate. I feel like these men are worthy of following.

My brother turned 21 today! (Technically, yesterday, the 18th) But I love love LOVE my brother, and I miss him lots. I'm really thankful that he's in my life. He has a huge heart, and if I had to describe him in one word, I would probably say he is kind. He's also very reasonable and wise when dealing with people. His insights are pretty spot on, most of the time. Ah, I miss him!

The EPIC boys have been so great to me the past year or so. I have loved the way they have pulled me into their community and have accepted me for who I am. I feel like I have gained 20 brothers since coming to college! And of course, I must mention my bestie, who has endured endless hours of my unasked for company. He has always been a good friend to me, and I'm thankful for his friendship and support.

While John and Alex and I have not been very good at keeping in touch since we went off to school, I wouldn't be the person I am today without their unrelenting love. They will always know me and my heart better than pretty much anyone else.

Reflecting on these friendships, I'm almost overwhelmed by the sheer volume of blessings in my life! God has been so gracious to me.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


In a moment of complete openness, I am going to let everyone glimpse into my heart. I was having a really good, pretty intense conversation with a dear friend last night, and she mentioned how I don't really have any body image problems, but she knows that I have insecurities in other things. When I asked her what she thought they were, she really nailed it.

She said that my insecurities are based on the actual person that I am. I doubt whether I am, at heart, a good person, or if I am just a monster at the root of my essence. I doubt my intentions. I question if they're noble or ultimately self-seeking.

According to Christianese, I am a sinner in need of grace. Therefore, I am a horrible person. But that's not entirely what I'm referring to here.

I think I just question my own heart. Based on traumatic things that people have said to me in the past, part of me believes that I'm evil, wretched, worthless, selfish, and unconcerned with others. And the hardest part about the lie is that I know that all those traits are true of me. To deny them would be to deny my humanity. But I don't need to dwell on these negative traits. I am so much more than my sinful nature. I have meaning and value that are found in the redeeming, renewing, and healing love of my Father.

Just sometimes, I forget.

Sunday, November 15, 2009


Probably the part of me that people will never really understand is my sensitivity. Even when I'm not hormonal, I'm extremely sensitive. My feelings get hurt often and easily. I've learned to daily disregard certain statements.

Maybe the misunderstandings arise from my introverted-ness. In my head, I'm stung by the comments, but I need time alone to reflect and to analyze the situation, so I can discern whether or not I'm just being too sensitive or if I legitimately have a reason to be upset. Most of the time, I'm just being too sensitive, so I have to let it go. I undergo a complete change of heart and attitude towards a person, and I extend them grace and forgiveness in my head. All the while, this person has no idea he/she has even hurt my feelings!

So for me, when I choose to love them and when I deliberately act in such a way to show them I love them, it's a sacrifice to me. It's very intentional and I know the effort it costs me. But they don't.

And here's the problem. People don't see how hard I work at loving people. They think it comes naturally. To a certain extent, it does. But there's so much more to it than just the surface (as always). So when someone tells me I should work harder at loving people in ways they'll respond to, I guess I feel like I'm already giving all I'm capable of.

But I know there's always more to give. And it's only by the grace of God that I can die to myself once more and dig deep for another bit of love to give. I guess I just wish I didn't have to dig so deep.

Saturday, November 14, 2009


Amazing how it takes 36 hours to undo 18 months of reassurance that I made the right choice to come to CalPoly.

Long story short, because of some things that people have said to me, I'm questioning my purpose on CalPoly's campus. But even more than that, I'm questioning my heart. Am I running from something? Or running to it? I'm doubting myself and my ability to love and serve people. I just feel like Biola would have been such a good fit, such an easy and natural transition.

I wish I could just sit down with God, and get things cleared up.

Friday, November 13, 2009


Jon Foreman said it perfectly: "A cynic is just someone with a broken heart."

Today, we talked about existentialism in English class.

I absolutely hate, loathe and deplore Existentialism. I'm not kidding when I say it's truly from the devil.

Existentialism is one big fat lie that is whispered to our hearts as a coping mechanism. It's a coldhearted approach to life, because we can't stand to feel the pain. And so we try to numb ourselves. But this isn't how we were created to live. This isn't how it was supposed to be.

I can't even remember the last time I dominated a class discussion this much. I felt something so strong stir in me, a desire to recognize the lie as such. An overwhelming sense of certainty and clarity. I miss that passion.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


Is this what the mean when they say they "feel alive"?

Today was amazing. I felt invincible. Skipped class, called up a friend, having the urge to get out of SLO (as much as I love it here and all). We jumped in the car, picked a direction (South) and just drove and talked. When we finished our conversation, we were in El Capitan. We decided to go to Santa Barbara for dinner, and we called up a friend at UCSB. Turned out she was about to head over to someone's house for an EPIC leadership meeting, so we sat in on their meeting.

Soooo inspiring. It was such an amazing reminder of our purpose in EPIC, and so encouraging to hear what God is doing in Santa Barbara. And just seeing their hearts for the Lord and the ministry was so sweet.

God is so good. I think what I loved most about the trip was that it was a literal parallel to our lives. We both are trusting God with our lives and our futures. We don't know where we're going, but we're trusting that God will show us the way. And look-God led us from SLO with just a general direction, and He took us to a place to experience fellowship, peace, freedom, and joy. PTL! Can I get a witness?!

Monday, November 9, 2009


I think I've mentioned this before, how I don't really believe in fairy tales for myself anymore. I don't necessarily believe in the happy ending.

Some things that were brought up today made me reminisce about high school. I realized that I had such grand notions of what truly selfless love looks like. And I strove to emulate that.

Not to be a Debbie Downer, but I guess it made me take a critical look at myself and my actions today. I think over the years I've become either more cynical or more realistic. Maybe a bit of both. I don't know exactly what to feel. Should I feel sad that I no longer believe in fully sacrificial love? (Apart from Jesus, I mean) Or should I feel glad that I have come to expect less out of people and therefore be surprised more by human goodness?

Sunday, November 8, 2009


A smarter person would have put this past them by now.

Call me a fool, I guess.

Saturday, November 7, 2009


Am I just all talk?

I doubt myself so much.

I just don't know if I have the ability to really give much advice on anything at all. Especially spirituality. I don't know. Lately I've been feeling really hypocritical and blasphemous, trying to tell people about certain facets of the Christian faith. I feel like a fraud.

My relationship with God is like any other relationship in my life-it has its ups and downs. I feel like lately, things have been down. But sometimes I feel like I just have to plaster a smile on my face and talk about how amazing God's love is and how great He is and how He's been working in my life, when honestly, I feel like He hasn't been working in my life a lot lately. I know He has, but I just don't feel like it, you know?

Because to be honest with how I am really doing spiritually would mean I'd have to delve into deeper aspects of myself which aren't really ready to be shared with the entire world. There are some things you just have to keep private, right? But since I haven't figured out how much I want to share and how much I have to keep quiet, I just feel like I'm going insane trying to really talk but not talk at all. Ugh.

Thursday, November 5, 2009


That's how I feel way too often. That's probably how 99.9% of the population feels, too. I'm guilty of trivializing people's emotions all the time, so I'm not just pointing fingers at everyone else.

I wonder how different this world would look if we actually took the time to try to make people feel validated in their emotions. I think it would be a much healthier, happier place.

I realized that not only do I shove aside my emotions because people trivialize how I'm feeling when I try to articulate my thoughts, but I've learned to internally trivialize how I'm feeling because I'm so used to that response. Not healthy.

I guess I just don't know what to do with my newfound emotions.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


Let Thy goodness, like a fetter bind my wandering heart to Thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it.
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for thy courts above.

How often I feel this exact way! I so desire to give myself and my life over wholeheartedly to God, and when I experience moments of God's undeniable greatness, I just sit and marvel at His grace. But soon after, the spiritual high fades, and my heart gets distracted by all the other things in life that clamor for my attention. I just wish I had this fetter I could bind my heart with. I want to keep it close to my Father's heart.

Monday, November 2, 2009


Join me on my journey to self-discovery.

I started counseling today. It was a little weird at first, having someone so focused on me, but I got over that quickly. Now I'm just processing what we talked about.

I think one of the main frustrations I have in my life, is that I don't feel like I'm heard very often. I just feel very misunderstood a lot of the time. Or I feel like my inner thought processes and intents aren't translated very well to my words/actions, so people see only the outward action and misjudge it/me. And then when I try to explain why I do/say the things I do, I don't feel like people take the time (read as: care enough) to understand me.

That's all. Too many thoughts to write coherently tonight.