In a moment of complete openness, I am going to let everyone glimpse into my heart. I was having a really good, pretty intense conversation with a dear friend last night, and she mentioned how I don't really have any body image problems, but she knows that I have insecurities in other things. When I asked her what she thought they were, she really nailed it.
She said that my insecurities are based on the actual person that I am. I doubt whether I am, at heart, a good person, or if I am just a monster at the root of my essence. I doubt my intentions. I question if they're noble or ultimately self-seeking.
According to Christianese, I am a sinner in need of grace. Therefore, I am a horrible person. But that's not entirely what I'm referring to here.
I think I just question my own heart. Based on traumatic things that people have said to me in the past, part of me believes that I'm evil, wretched, worthless, selfish, and unconcerned with others. And the hardest part about the lie is that I know that all those traits are true of me. To deny them would be to deny my humanity. But I don't need to dwell on these negative traits. I am so much more than my sinful nature. I have meaning and value that are found in the redeeming, renewing, and healing love of my Father.
Just sometimes, I forget.