single

and ready to mingle! HAH just kidding. Nuns forever.

I know I've been a staunch no-boys advocate for a while on this blog, and I just wanted to let everyone know that my stance wasn't born just out of bitterness. The main reason why I gave up on boys is because I really am so content with being single. I recently read an article on Donald Miller, and one of the paragraphs really stood out to me.

In fact, I would say this quote perfectly sums up my state of mind.

"'It's a contentment that I wish on everybody I know,' Miller continues. 'I mean, there's a lot to be sad about in my life: I'm not married; finances can go up and down; I'm 38, I'll be 40 in a couple years. There's a good chance I won't have a family. That means nothing to me. I mean, I'd love to have that stuff, but I know it won't deliver what we think it's going to deliver. So why not watch a sunset? You know what I mean?'"

Yes, Donald Miller. I think I know exactly what you mean.

attacked

Things have been very interesting lately.

I had a really great conversation with a good friend of mine last night, and she was telling me her views on spiritual gifts, especially the more "charismatic" types. She's always been skeptical about them. For me, it's so clear that spiritual warfare exists, and phenomenons like demon possession and supernatural healings do occur. My friend has a harder time believing in these things. She said that doubt has always been a thorn in her flesh.

Days like today make it easier for me to believe in stuff like spiritual warfare. Today was a bad day. I've just been feeling so attacked all day.

Members of my family are encountering some tough trials. There's also a lot of discord going on within my family, too. On top of that, I've been feeling really weird lately. Like, not well, even though I'm not sick. I get these hot flashes and pounding headaches and periods of weakness that just come on and then fade away super quickly.

And if my friend's thorn is doubt, my thorn in my flesh is meaninglessness. Somehow it always finds its way back to me, which is so frustrating and usually my biggest struggle. Since I'm a pretty passionate person, and I need purpose, meaning, and hope to feel alive. How fitting that the one thing that can stop my passion is the one thing I struggle with most. I can't see how this isn't spiritual warfare. Ugh.

Fortunately, I have God on my side. And if God is for me, who can be against me? "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name."-Psalm 91:14

recession

It's so weird, but now that I'm all into stocks, I find myself wishing the economy would just stay in a recession. It makes it easier to buy into stocks and make money, haha. "When others are greedy, be fearful. But when others are fearful, be greedy."-Warren Buffett.

stubborn

I've been feeling very anti-boy lately. They are just so useless! Gross.

----edit-----

I told Brendan that he could be excluded from grossness. Every other guy, though...totally icky.

URBN

I love Urban Outfitters, Inc. This encapsulates Anthropologie, Free People, a couple of wholesale lines, and of course, the namesake. I love this company because of its amazing focus on marketing a lifestyle instead of just individual products. They create this whole fantasy world that is so much prettier than the real world. Take a look at their dedication to their vision! (Taken from their recently published 3rd quarter earnings.)

From Glen Senk, CEO: "While there is minimal evidence of price elasticity on compelling product, the consumer is certainly more discriminating. She expects more value for money, which in our world, doesn’t necessarily equate to a lower price -- it means she’s looking for authenticity, scarcity, freshness, compelling differentiated product and a meaningful emotional connection that’s born from a shared set of aspirations and values. I believe this emphasis on value and values plays to our strengths. It is how we ran our business before the economic reset, it is why we believe our customers shops with us, and therefore it is how we will continue to run our business in the future."

How many businesses really understand their consumers' mindsets?! Especially at Urban Outfitters' level! Love it! They know their customers so well. This is what I think sets them apart from the other retailers-their dedication to not simply knowing their product, but knowing their clients. This is why they've consistently outperformed their competition.

romantic

Not that I've changed my sentiment at ALL about not wanting a boyfriend or dating at this moment in time, but I must mention that I've been following a couple's blog, and it's making me feel all domestic-y and cute-sy and romantic-y. I guess they make me want in the long term what they have presently.

My friend was telling me a story about how she was having a mood swing-y day, and she felt so bad about the way she treated her boyfriend, she apologized and told him that if he didn't want to be with her anymore, she understood. His response was enough to melt even this cold, anti-boy heart of mine. He said, "God brought us together, and He'll be the one to break us apart. It doesn't matter what you do or say. Until God breaks us apart, I'm staying with you."

When I hear about stuff like that, I just ask God to please send me someone who will say (and mean!) stuff like that to me. Swoon.

change

Wow, I am writing this in a state of AWE. God is SO good!!!

My dad often thinks of me as too much of a dreamer or idealist. He thinks I'm not down to earth enough. Therefore, he doesn't really encourage or support the things that I hold dear. So when several people suggested that I consider going on a summer project, I knew it would be a dangerous conversation to have with my dad.

But God is SO faithful and created the most perfect opportunity for me to tell my dad. Not only was he okay with it, but he actually ENCOURAGED me to go.

!!!!!!

What?! Yes, he actually encouraged me to go. Reading that sentence is still almost too good to be true for my eyes. Dang. Praise God!

I think that's what I want to end this blog with. Praise God, praise God, praise God!

Any praises you've experienced lately? Share them with me. =]

irritation

I am so indignant right now. Ugh. I hate it when I see something that is NOT good, nor Godly, and I feel like I can't say anything about it.

Dang, I hate gossip.

Phil 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

dress

I haven't posted a style blog in a while, so here's a dress that I'm OBSESSED with! It's by Free People, but it's sold out EVERYWHERE in a size 2. So if you come across the "Dreaming in Paradise Dress" in my size, please let me know! It looks like this:




I love EVERYTHING about this dress! The shape, design, colors, details, everything!

impossible

Today, I woke up feeling so incredibly great! It's like seeing the world through brand new eyes. I was just hit by the inordinate amount of blessings God has given me. I am so not worthy. God has been so generous to me!

And it's been a while since I've been hit by the beauty of SLO. But walking to class, I couldn't help but admire the hills and the sky and the greenery. I felt so alive and just so...ah, if I could put words to it, the closest thing that would capture how I felt today is feeling God smiling down at me. Yes, that works.

Last night, I was just hit by God's love for me. It's so...resilient, hah. And persevering. Romans 8:38-39 prove that. There is nothing, NOTHING in this world that can separate us from the love of God!

Lately fear has been governing my life, and the verse that encourages me is 1 John 4:18. "Perfect love casts out all fear." And if nothing can separate me from perfect love, than what do I have to fear? Nothing and nobody.

little

Wow, God is seriously blowing me away with all these promises He's fulfilling!

Let me just say, I have a love/hate relationship with English classes. I love it because it stirs up my passion for God and my beliefs, but I hate it because it has to get me really mad and frustrated before I share what's on my mind.

I took my English final today, so the past couple days have been filled with Modernist and Existentialist philosophies. I have previously stated that I hate Existentialism, but I don't think my hatred was adequately stated, so let me reiterate the fact that I HATE Existentialism. With a fiery burning passion.

Why? Because there is a lot of truth to it all. This world is meaningless, just a vanity. But Existentialism resigns itself to existing without hope. Christianity emphatically points out that hope exists because God exists. There is something bigger than ourselves. But I've been feeling super depressive and Existentialist lately. One of the tenants of modernism is the focus on self. Modernists are extremely self-centered and only do what pleases them. There is a blatant disregard for others' desires and well-being, and it makes their world so small.

After I finished studying last night, I went to go read my Bible. Leave it to God to give me exactly what I need in the form of truth. Rom 8:6-8 "Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn't pleased at being ignored." (The Message)

I realized that I had been focusing too much on myself, and how I was feeling or what I wanted. I even made God about me! God, the infinitely tender Father cares about me so much, which is everlasting truth, but I made it about me. My view of who God is just got bigger. By a lot. He is not just a loving dad, but a KING who is worthy of all glory and majesty.

I felt very little last night, as I came to these conclusions. Little, but in absolute awe of the God I serve.

charles

Charles was a CalPoly student that I never met, only heard about. I heard that he was reported missing, and then found dead. I heard that he hung himself.

I assure you, there is much more pain in those above sentences than what is probably being portrayed right now.

As soon as my roomies and I got the news, we were shocked. Shocked and depressed. For me, it was a wake up call. There is a war going on, and people's lives and souls are at stake here. In a sense, I almost felt a burden of responsibility. I didn't know him, but if God had brought him into my life and asked me to love on him, would I have been willing to go out of my way and talk to a random person that God laid on my heart? I don't know. And that's enough to be majorly convicting.

I just can't stop picturing God pleading with Charles, the entire bike ride to Madonna, to stop. Please, don't go any further. Okay this is far enough. Go back. Stop. Please, stop! Don't do this. Charles, stop right there. I love you, don't do this. His agony is crushing to me. And then I picture the horror of the four students who found his body. And then I can't think anymore.

What would have happened if someone had seen Charles riding off campus and stopped him with a friendly greeting, and asked him how he was doing. And what if this person wasn't content to just hear "stressed, because I have this project to present." But what if this person really pursued Charles and really cared about and wanted to hear how he was really doing. I think that would have made all the difference.

Father, turn this tragedy into an opportunity. May hearts be changed.

That is the prayer I prayed when I found out about Charles. And He has already been faithful again. My heart has changed. My whole view on evangelism has changed. I've always felt comfortable with sharing my faith, but awkward, because I felt like I had an ulterior motive-to move the conversation to spiritual matters. And I felt that my thinly veiled intentions to talk with that person inhibited me from really truly caring for and loving that person well. Now, I feel no pressure to have to bring the conversation to God. Now I just want to serve my community and make each and every person I come into contact with feel loved. Because that's the heart of the Gospel, right? Love.

Not only that, but I trust the Holy Spirit is truly dwelling in me, and that I am not my own. People can't separate me from God. They can't take God out of my actions and my heart. Therefore, when I am loving someone, even though I don't feel like I'm doing anything out of the ordinary, people are taken aback and see God behind everything I do and say. They can see the Gospel in me. And that is enough. That's enough for me. God is (more than) enough for me.




Disclaimer-I'm not saying I'm going to avoid talking about God if the topic arises, just that I'm free from feeling like I have to bring God up all the time with every conversation I have with a nonbeliever.

menu

God has been so faithful to me. All last year and part of this quarter, I have just struggled with wanting a relationship. I can't tell you how many hours of prayer I've spent, bringing this discontent to the Lord. And now, I can finally, FINALLY say that I'm 100% satisfied with being single. Not just satisfied, but I feel so content and fulfilled. I love that I can focus on God and not on boys. I love that I can watch couples interact and not feel jealous or sad.

As some of you know, my roommate and I are on a "no boys" ban this quarter. It's been so amazing to see how the Lord has grown me through this. We were out with a mutual friend today, and she commented on how attractive a group of guys were. My roommate got excited, so I reminded her of our ban, and our friend retorted, "Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't check out the menu!" After she said that, I started to realize that I don't remember the last time I thought a guy in real life was hot. It's like for me, there's not even a menu at all! I love this freedom! LOVE it! Just another reminder of how faithful God is to provide! PTL!

slow

My life has been a crazy roller coaster of ups and downs. Through it all, God has remained constant. I just have this image of my standing on a cliff in the eye of the storm. The ground below me is literally crumbling and falling to pieces from the pressure exerted by the wind and the rain. Clouds are swirling and moving so fast, they mirror the unleashed roar of the furious grey waves. My hair is being whipped around, but I am steady and serene and unshaken; sure of my standing with God.

Psalm 42 has been my comfort and hope this month. I just love the way the psalmist can be so honest about his suffering and confusion, and yet be so certain of God and His love for me. I feel like He and I are slow dancing, and my eyes are locked on His. As we're dancing, the background and the faces blur and fade, and I am lost in His ocean eyes. John Mark McMillian's How He Loves comes into mind. "If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking." I think that adequately describes how I feel when our eyes are fixed on each others.

Here's the text of Psalm 42, for your enjoyment (and mine):
^1-3 A white-tailed deer drinks from the creek;
I want to drink God,
deep draughts of God.
I'm thirsty for God-alive.
I wonder, "Will I ever make it—
arrive and drink in God's presence?"
I'm on a diet of tears—
tears for breakfast, tears for supper.
All day long
people knock at my door,
Pestering,
"Where is this God of yours?"

⁴ These are the things I go over and over,
emptying out the pockets of my life.
I was always at the head of the worshiping crowd,
right out in front,
Leading them all,
eager to arrive and worship,
Shouting praises, singing thanksgiving—
celebrating, all of us, God's feast!

⁵ Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
soon I'll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He's my God.

^6-8 When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse
everything I know of you,
From Jordan depths to Hermon heights,
including Mount Mizar.
Chaos calls to chaos,
to the tune of whitewater rapids.
Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers
crash and crush me.
Then God promises to love me all day,
sing songs all through the night!
My life is God's prayer.

^9-10 Sometimes I ask God, my rock-solid God,
"Why did you let me down?
Why am I walking around in tears,
harassed by enemies?"
They're out for the kill, these
tormentors with their obscenities,
Taunting day after day,
"Where is this God of yours?"

¹¹ Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
soon I'll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He's my God.

four

That's the number of hours I spent talking to a friend last night. Amazing.

My friend and I are completely opposite. We have two totally different mindsets. That's why we like talking with each other so much. While completely aggravating at times, it's a total trip to see where he's coming from.

We talked about relationships and boys and girls and their interactions. I decided that I just need to be a relationship expert. Or something. We talked about what it means to be in a relationship and what constitutes a date and what marriage should look like. We defined "hooking up" and why we both want our future spouses to be virgins.

It's still astounding to me how we can have such fundamentally different philosophies, and yet reach the same conclusions, or at least agree on the same moral principles.

frame

Walls don't make a home. It's kind of like how the words "I" and "love" and "you" are meaningless when strung together.

What is a home built upon? And how do you give meaning to a cliche?

doomed

Are we forever doomed to exist as little people?