Thursday, December 9, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
I just can't shake the feeling that something isn't right. What's driving this? Apathy? Acceptance? Hurt? Bitterness?
I can't help but wonder if pain and bitterness masquerade as apathy and/or acceptance.
Where do we go from here?
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Claim: Jesus’s death was not unusual.
There are many historical facts surrounding capital punishment in Roman times, but none is more infamous than crucifixion, the method by which Jesus Christ was executed some two thousand years ago. However, with the focus so much so on the brutality of Christ’s death, sometimes we forget that many other people endured the same torture as well.
So what distinguishes Jesus from the hundreds, likely thousands of people that were brutally crucified by Roman rule? It wasn’t that he was just innocent, because Pilate was known for being violent, ruthless and bloodthirsty. In fact, he was removed from office for being too cruel and crucifying too many people. It wasn’t because Jesus called Himself the Messiah, because it wasn’t blasphemous to proclaim yourself as Messiah, and as written by Josephus, there were many false Messiahs. No, the difference between Jesus and everyone else who was wrongfully hung on a cross is that Christ knew why He was dying and how His life/death would change history.
As a Christian, I am often humbled when I reflect on the mystery of the cross. What was He thinking about? He didn’t hate his killers, he pitied them and asked God to forgive them. Did He think of me? Did He see the full picture of salvation laid out in front of Him? Could He feel the full weight of the world’s sin and separation on that cross? I think that the suffering Jesus endured was of a different kind. Sure, many others experienced the same physical torture, but the psychological pain may have been more excruciating. I wonder if He thought it was worth the cost. I mean, I’m sure He did, because He did it and it was out of extreme love and obedience that He followed His Father’s plan. But I wonder if He ever questioned it. I guess what I’m saying is, I wonder if Jesus would still have suffered through everything if my soul was the only soul at stake. And I guess that’s what Christianity is, in fewer words. Believing that He did.
Monday, November 15, 2010
It's such a see-saw of broken dynamics. You love me, I love you not, I love you, you love me not, etc and on and on it goes. There are just days when it feels like it's all too much and yet all too meaningless to matter.
There are just some days when love makes no sense at all.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
It's like I am drowning in the chaos of the water; lost in the power of the tide and unable to see anything but my hair strangling me as it swirls around my neck, and I wonder if I will ever breathe again. And the worst part of it all is, I'm not sure if I even care that I'm dying.
Oh, Jesus, be with me now. Be my comfort, be my support, be my everything. I know that all I need is just a touch, just a glimpse of Your glory unveiled. I don't feel intimacy with You, and I know that it's all I need to shake myself from this apathy that is consuming me.
I need to stop running away from Your love.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
It's going to suck leaving this island.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
However, there comes a point when I realize that my feelings are so jumbled and difficult to pin down, that it only leads me in a cycle that is all about me and not about the healing that God wants to give me. Because of that, even though I feel like I don't fully understand how I feel and why I feel this way, I'm setting it all aside for the sake of the glory of God. I resolve to do whatever it takes to live righteously before the Lord, so that when I face Him, I will feel no shame.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
This is perhaps most clearly seen in my interactions with the locals here. I have found an amazing community of believers who treat their brothers and sisters as well as everyone they meet with incredible intimacy, as if they're already ohana. I have literally never felt so loved, accepted, pursued and valued so soon after meeting anyone. There is a part of me that deeply resonates with this treatment; this was how we were supposed to experience relationships. Their lives are so fulfilled, so rich and so joyful.
And yet, there is a part of me that is deeply unsettled with this community. When you have an ohana that is this strong, sometimes Heaven only looks appealing because you know that your friends and family will be there. In other words, you lose focus on Jesus and your community becomes your idol.
"Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs."-Jonah 2:8
It's so hard for me, because there is a part of me that loves the community here so fully, but there's another part of me that is uneasy with the complacency the islanders have. People here are so welcoming and friendly, but they are also very apathetic.
It's frustrating, because I would love for them to share our vision; to step out boldly in faith to further God's kingdom. I would love to partner up with them in ministry, so that when we leave, they'll take over. But when I look at the Christian locals, instead of seeing outreach, I only see inreach.
It's like two different worlds that I live in-the part that longs for deep relationships and the part that brims with passion, ready to make a difference. I would like to reconcile these worlds.
Sometimes it's hard to figure out which is the bigger curse-constantly be pursuing improvement or complacency with how things are.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
to feel loved is to feel the embrace of the one you love in the sunshine wrapping its arms around you. it's a magical ferris wheel ride, set with a velvet backdrop and silver glitter glue stars and an extravagant full moon.
but really, to be loved is to be unsatisfied. to be loved is to be known, and yet still, never actually known.
to be broken is to be slumped over in your seat as someone mixes black into the colors of the sky, as torrents of failures, regrets, fears, and crashed hopes are rolled up into a bucket of red-faced, puffy-eyed tears. to be broken is to be on your knees, facedown, begging for mercy and begging for completeness. to be broken is to feel the touch of despair, to feel numbness and think that not even death could be this miserable, this desperate.
to be broken is to trade yourself for someone else's charity, someone else's compassion.
to be alone is to walk a barren stretch of dirt road, knowing you have brought yourself to that place of isolation and yet finding some sort of comfort in the fact that no one is expecting you home at any time. to be alone is to stand on the inside of the white picket fence watching moms with strollers, dads with ratty baseball hats, and sticky Popsicle mouthed tots on tricycles blur by.
but you know what? to be alone is almost a relief, understanding that you are really protecting the ones you truly love from your destructive nature.
to be restless is to turn your music loud enough to drown out your thoughts, but no amount of pure volume will be enough to numb your feelings. to be restless is to step into a room of your friends and after walking through the doorway, feeling the urgent itch to turn back around and retreat to a paint-chipped park bench alone with your thoughts.
to be restless is to see the world for what it really is-one fat empty lie. it's when we actually feel the need for fulfillment and satisfaction.
to be at peace is to walk in tall grass with the wind whipping at your white dress and hair while the hills and wildflowers compete for your awe. it is to lay your head down on soft, fluffy freshly-laundered white towels for a nap on the couch on a warm, carefree Sunday afternoon. it's the smell of fresh lemon blossoms meandering through the bright white kitchen.
but lately, peace has been more like swallows playing cops and robbers around the branches of the tree outside my window. i'm the cop chasing the robber, bobbing up and down and swerving around the tips of twigs and reaching my hands out only to catch maybe a feather or two from the peace that evades my heart.
to have hope is to cling to a bouquet of messily plucked daisies when the night strikes and the trail is unmarked. like a burning flame leading you on, it's something mysterious but benevolent, all at once.
honestly, to have hope is to pour out everything you have into another, and even after pouring out everything you have until there's nothing left, it's dying to yourself again and finding that there's still just a little bit more in you to be poured out.
But maybe this isn't what it's really supposed to mean. Maybe we were supposed to be whole, that perhaps we have been broken all the while without realizing it. Maybe my purpose here isn't done yet. Maybe instead of God changing my circumstances, what is really needed is a change of heart. A change of pace, change of perspective a little. Maybe God still needs me here, in this place of brokenness in which I have found my home. Maybe He's not done breaking me yet...
"To be alive is to be broken. And to be broken is to stand in need of grace."-Brennan Manning
Friday, June 25, 2010
Every day it's a conscious decision to surrender ourselves. And the best part? When we surrender, we actually win, because we know how the world is going to end. To quote Jim Elliot, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose."
It is a conscious decision to let old bones be and to move on in our new lives.
It is a conscious decision to face truth and deal with consequences.
But there is no better reward than the assurance of freedom, grace, mercy, love and intimacy with God as a result of our conscious death.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I often tell people, when asked about my experiences with EPIC, that EPIC is my biggest heartbreak and my biggest joy. Shoot, I don't have time for a boyfriend when EPIC consumes my heart so much.
There are people in EPIC that I'm really close to, but when those relationships aren't right, it affects my entire countenance.
I think my biggest thing is that I often feel like I am asked to love extravagantly without anything in return. I feel like I pursue people and it is fruitless. I feel like I try to invest in people, but they won't let me. I think what makes it so frustrating is that it takes so much for me to not ask people for the love that I desire to experience, because I don't want to come off as needy or high maintenance. And it's frustrating because I don't feel loved by the way they show their care for me, but at the same time, the lack of connection I feel with them could be chalked up to my not loving them in the way that they feel loved by. There's definitely two sides in this, but I feel so silenced because I don't feel like I can voice this without them seeing me as annoying or self-centered.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
I am so, so convinced that if everyone were to experience God intimately, their lives would never be the same. I honestly think it is impossible for people to intimately experience the Lord and NOT be changed.
And I think once we've experienced intimacy with Him, it spawns an insatiable appetite for more of God.
I want/need/love intimacy with my Lord, my Savior, my Husband.
Holy Spirit manifest your being
Comfort this soul,
So that I can start singing of that peaceful feeling that any minute now you’ll be bringing
Grace grows in winter I am told
But that’s not what I want to hear right now, truth be known
It’s you Father that I desire
So put out this unholy fire
And set ablaze me anew
With a peace that comes only from you
Where else can I turn and what else may I do?
Here I am…
Here I am…
Here I am…
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
I've lost sight of You, I must confess
But You haven't lost sight of me
Wounded and tired, I come
Feeling so weak, I must confess
You are the strength I need
In my weakness You are strong
and Lord, You've been there all along
and You wait for me to give You all I am
So Lord, I'm giving You my heart
I long for Your embrace
Can I find the love You give
Can I lose myself in grace
I surrender once again to my Father and my Friend
Lord, I'm giving You my heart
It is You I seek
All the strength I need
In all my ways, I acknowledge You
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Verses 16-18 really resonated with me. "So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."
Did you catch that? Not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. That means that every single day, God's grace is new, and there's more that He reveals to us with each new morning. Every day is another petal that unfurls the brilliance of the full flower open in its radiant beauty. How blessed are those who catch the sight of the face of the flower!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
When I feel like I can't keep anything together, when I feel like I can't do anything right and I fail at all my relationships, when I feel like I have no one I can trust, the only thing that is solid rock beneath my feet is the love of Christ. And it is upon His grace and His mercy that I can even find my footing. The only place I can stand, the only place that is truly safe and secure. The only place I can truly call my own.
And it is here that I can boast in my weaknesses, because I know I am being made strong through my weaknesses solely because of the power of the living God which resides in me through the Holy Spirit. And if anything about me can serve to bring glory to God, the only one worthy of any praise, then I will boast all the more in Him.
Friday, May 7, 2010
I just hate that I can't figure out how to break the cycle.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
As we know, I love me some spectator shoes. What else do I love? Here's my list of iconic fashion that I want to own before I die:
-Hermes Regina scarf
-Christian Louboutin nude heels
-Chanel ballet flats
-Burberry trench coat
It will probably take me a lifetime to afford all of these iconic pieces, so it's safe to say my timeline for accumulating these goods will be slow. But oh, I can't wait for the day when I own that Chanel bag!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Sometimes it's neither. Sometimes you're right, and it's good. Sometimes you're wrong, and you have to humble yourself. But you know what is the most humbling? When you're right and you still have to humble yourself in order to salvage a relationship.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
"Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger."
One of the best verses (and life lessons) my dad taught me. You just feel a bazillion times better when you make amends. Personally, my anger evaporates pretty quickly. Once I get some distance from the hot topic, I usually can see a) the error in my actions b) the error in my judgments/words c)my correctness in my words and actions, but decide that the relationship with that person is way more important than me being right. And I take immediate steps to apologize or just clear the air as soon as possible.
This happened tonight with my roomies. I can't tell you how much I love them and how grateful I am that I followed the advice with this situation (although it was extremely minor...they didn't even know I was angry). I just feel so much better and they just feel loved. Yay.
Monday, April 12, 2010
I used to love white conch shells. The way they looked, as if God had conjured up the prettiest sand, created a twister to form its shape, and then tapped it with His magic wand to turn it the most brilliant shade of white with sparkling tones of palest pink inside just for me. I was captivated by its beauty. I could have been content to stare at it for hours, literally, when I was 12. It was like a private moment between me and God, kinda like the equivalent of a candlelit picnic dinner.
I didn't even read Lord of the Flies until was 15. I honestly just loved white conch shells. But in the book, the shell symbolized purity, goodness, innocence and humanity.
When I was 16, I think I left childhood. I dealt with things far beyond my maturity level, or even my scope of maturity level. I grappled, really wrestled, with the concept of faith and God. I questioned life.
How fitting that when I turned 17, I felt like I had outgrown the shells. Their beauty was no longer radiant to me, but just another object in life. Don't get me wrong, I still thought they were pretty, but there was no more magic for me.
And now? Now that I am 19, when I look at conch shells, all I can see is a fragmented and distorted image of my reflection.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
-Pray big, get big. Pray small, get small. Our God is big. Really big. Really really really big. If you ask boldly for what you want, it will be given to you. But if you limit God and only ask for a small thing, you'll only get a small thing.
-Something is better than nothing. This applies to so much in life. If you're trying to save money, save something, whether it be $100 or $10, because $10 is still better than saving nothing. If you're studying, better to study only 10 minutes than not at all.
-Focus on the big, forget the little. We have limited resources, and too many options on how to use those resources. If you don't have enough time, prioritize your options and focus on the top 3. If you don't have much spending money, prioritize your wants and spend your money there.
-Don't plan your 100th birthday party until you're 99. In other words, don't be so set in your future. Look forward to the future and plan for it, but don't hold on to your plans too tightly.
And here, just for my own controversial pleasure, is my opinion on how to fix the water crisis that is hitting the West coast and Southwest US (I just read an article about this, so I'm in a ranting mood).
TAKE OUT YOUR LAWNS! Instead, sculpt a beautiful garden with plants that require minimal watering. I just don't understand why we all need green lawns. I'd much rather have that clear, cool drinking water for humans.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
do not refuse me before I die:
Keep falsehood and lies far from me;
give me neither poverty nor riches,
but give me only my daily bread.
Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you
and say, 'Who is the LORD ?'
Or I may become poor and steal,
and so dishonor the name of my God."
I would like that to be my prayer.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I'm really only so confident because I'm secretly insecure.
I'm really only a cynic because I was such a strong optimist.
I'm really only loving because I've had my heart broken.
Through all of this, I'm learning that just because our God gives us grace doesn't mean we escape discipline. When God disciplines us, our punishment is His grace shown to us in tangible form. What a privilege it is to be able to say that our God loves us enough to give us a spanking when we need it! His discipline is proof of His great love for us.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
I just love it. I love how the music invades every part of me; the bass vibrating in my chest, the guitars swirling like some kind of mellifluous magic in my ear. I love that it makes me forget everything in life and takes me back to my safe place. When I was young and life wasn't so great, and I would seclude myself for hours in my musical escape.
I wasn't so cynical then. I believed in things like love and freedom and all those other ideals of youth.
I was just waiting for it all to happen me. I waited for my release and I waited for love to find me and free me. And I guess somewhere between then and now, I've lost that childlike wonder.
It was nice to return to that naivety.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I'm just saying...
Thursday, March 18, 2010
I feel like the older I get, the more inclined I am to believe that life long love just doesn't happen anymore. No one stays married. People can't work our their crap. Divorce isn't just an option, it's the destination every marriage is headed to.
I just feel so discouraged. People don't know how to love, or are too selfish to love.
The older I get, the more I am starting to believe I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. And I would rather be single forever than to get married and get divorced, so don't think it's sad or depressing for me to want to stay single.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
but black and white is fabulous, too.
Seychelles does a lovely grey and gold version:
By the way, if I haven't mentioned it before (and I don't think I have), I LOVE Seychelle's vintage styling. All their shoes make me drool. I just wish they were more comfortable. =[
And one more pair that's not a spectator style, but I have to post because I find them irresistible! I'm such a sucker for shoes that are 1. nude 2. t-strap and especially 3. both
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Here's my problem: by daylight, I have found enough reasons to talk myself out of almost every idea. How do I maintain my passion from the night before, and turn it into motivation to actually act on my ideas?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Oh, Lordy. I can't believe I resisted watching The Notebook for so long. I FINALLY saw it on TV tonight, and oh my goodness. I am winded. It just took my breath away (hah, yes I was going for cheesy). Man. Makes me love love. Makes me believe in romantic love-that some people can still make a marriage work.
Ok, enough estrogen.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Bolts-Of-Lightning Maillot $168
Ebbing Tide Maillot $178
Lake Ripples One-Piece $168
If you're wondering why they're all one pieces, I will admit that I'm all for bikinis and tanned tummies, but I'm considering going on summer project to Hawaii for seven weeks, and I've been informed that there is a dress code for swimwear. I'm trying to decide between the first two swimsuits, although I do love the classiness of the last one. Not sure if I have the height to pull off the second one, even though I am in lust over it.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Something convicting: When it comes to things God despises, gossip is mentioned more times than murder in Psalms. My friend posted that on facebook, and it convicted me as soon as I saw it.
I think with me, I struggle with gossip simply because EPIC is a small group of people, so we're all up in each other's business. I never intend for people to be hurt by what I say, and for the most part I'm pretty careful about not letting stuff slip. But I hate it when something has happened that affects me and my emotions, because I feel like I'm put in a tricky place-do I keep my emotions to myself and not talk it over with anyone simply because I want to protect the other person? Or do I place my emotions before the situation and just talk about it and get it all out?
It's hard because I know it's healthy to talk about how I'm feeling, but it's such a fine line between that and gossip. I think I'll spend my entire life trying to figure how to balance this one out.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Here's why I think it will be worth it:
1. As a Business student, Ramit has taught me much more about business, specifically marketing, than my professors have! Don't get me wrong, college is great and all, and I have learned a lot from my courses and textbooks, but Ramit pushes me a step further by helping me figure out how to apply the basics to every day life situations. Ramit > college
2. Ramit's no BS attitude, as well as his extremely straightforward, pragmatic approach to pretty much everything is perfect for my kinesthetic learning style. My professors just make me read...gag me.
3. I trust Ramit. Based on his preview lesson sample, I can tell the material is pretty much top-notch stuff. It's quality information and tips, not just "get rich quick" crap. He's also credible (NY Times bestseller, etc)
4. This is the MAIN reason why I believe this course will be worth the hefty price tag. All the tips and lessons will inspire me. Passion is what drives my life. When I feel like I have no purpose, I get depressed really easily, really deeply. Inspiration is invaluable. I know I'll do what it takes to achieve my goals, so long as I have the passion to see my goals realized. Essentially, I'm paying for inspiration, creativity, and motivation.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
A couple of things I've been thinking about lately. First, I feel more and more averse to wanting to be in a relationship. At EPIC conference (which was amazing, by the way), I just felt so thankful to be single. Furthermore, I felt like being in a relationship and eventually being married and having kids would inhibit me from being as sold out for the Gospel as I feel I am now. I mean, if I was married and had kids, I couldn't just peace out for 7 weeks to go on a summer project, now could I? Sometimes I wish I could just live my life the way things are forever.
The other thing I've been thinking about, is that maybe I'm not really called on summer project. A lot of people have talked to me about going, and I definitely feel some peer pressure to go. But I don't want to go because of people thinking that I should; I want to go because God wants me to go. People said I should go last year, but I went to Mt Hermon. And I totally believe that God could have taught me a lot about ministry had I gone last summer, but I think where I was at last year, I needed to deal with my own personal demons before growing more. I think this summer I'm more ready, but at the same time, I haven't felt the personal call to go. I'm totally open to going, but we'll have to see.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
I just don't understand what my IT professor wants from me. I feel so over my head, because I have absolutely no technical knowledge whatsoever. How the heck are there no pre-req's for this class?? Ahhhhh.
Ok rant over. Time to think of the positives.
EPIC conference this weekend! Woohoo!
I LOVE my marketing class! So much fun.
And I love my life.
That is all.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
The strip club crowd looks like a sad constellation
But I hold your heart like the sky holds the moon
I'm cast down outside 'cause they don't allow boyfriends
Star won't you tell me you're coming home soon
It's a total parallel to Hosea, which is what I've been going over lately. And consequently, a parallel to how God loves us. Even if people take advantage of us and cheapen us to worthlessness, and even if we begin to believe that we are nothing more than just pawns in a chess game, God holds our hearts like the sky holds the moon. And He loves us so tenderly and waits for us to come back to Him.
Oh, the song is by The Weepies. Check it out, yo.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
For instance, over the break, I was thinking about how materialistic I get when I go back home. I think there may be a direct correlation to how pushy my parents are about graduation as soon as possible and to start working in a high paying job. I realized I liked myself so much better when I'm at school. So what does that mean? I'm still pondering the ramifications of that realization.
As far as friendships go, I've been trying to figure out why God has placed me in the friendships He has. Some are easier than others to recognize how certain friendships have resulted in my growth in the Lord, in maturity, in different perspectives. Others are harder.
And as for ministry, last quarter I felt discouraged by a lack of unity. But I was thinking about that last night, and I realized that as long as we have the same common goal, we are unified to certain extent. And, that diversity can actually be a contributing factor instead of a detriment. The tricky part is figuring out how to tap into that diversity to produce fruit instead of frustration.
This blog was kinda pointless, just me kinda jotting down some musings I've been having at night.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
-join a business club
-declare my concentration
-stay under my budget!
-teach a personal finance class?
-learn more about makeup application (become a makeup artist?)
-get a job/internship
And there you have it! Help me stay accountable! =]