Friday, June 25, 2010


Tonight, I went to a church in Honolulu. The pastor was talking about gifts, but my mind was on death. Specifically, when the pastor asked if anyone in the audience wanted to accept Christ, and one person did. He said to repeat what he said, and he prayed to receive Christ and leave his old life behind. But the rest of us, not knowing if we were supposed to repeat after him or not, ended up just repeating the same prayer. It struck me at first as funny, since we've already accepted Jesus into our hearts, so we didn't need to be praying about wanting to become a new creation and to leave the old life behind, but I realized that it's as necessary to life-long believers as well as new believers to consciously declare that the old has gone and the new has come.

Every day it's a conscious decision to surrender ourselves. And the best part? When we surrender, we actually win, because we know how the world is going to end. To quote Jim Elliot, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose."

It is a conscious decision to let old bones be and to move on in our new lives.

It is a conscious decision to face truth and deal with consequences.

But there is no better reward than the assurance of freedom, grace, mercy, love and intimacy with God as a result of our conscious death.

Thursday, June 24, 2010


Why are relationships so hard?

I often tell people, when asked about my experiences with EPIC, that EPIC is my biggest heartbreak and my biggest joy. Shoot, I don't have time for a boyfriend when EPIC consumes my heart so much.

There are people in EPIC that I'm really close to, but when those relationships aren't right, it affects my entire countenance.

I think my biggest thing is that I often feel like I am asked to love extravagantly without anything in return. I feel like I pursue people and it is fruitless. I feel like I try to invest in people, but they won't let me. I think what makes it so frustrating is that it takes so much for me to not ask people for the love that I desire to experience, because I don't want to come off as needy or high maintenance. And it's frustrating because I don't feel loved by the way they show their care for me, but at the same time, the lack of connection I feel with them could be chalked up to my not loving them in the way that they feel loved by. There's definitely two sides in this, but I feel so silenced because I don't feel like I can voice this without them seeing me as annoying or self-centered.

Saturday, June 19, 2010


Just one touch. That's all it would take.

I am so, so convinced that if everyone were to experience God intimately, their lives would never be the same. I honestly think it is impossible for people to intimately experience the Lord and NOT be changed.

And I think once we've experienced intimacy with Him, it spawns an insatiable appetite for more of God.

I want/need/love intimacy with my Lord, my Savior, my Husband.


Sorry guys, I know I haven't been able to sit down and write a proper post, so for now, someone else's words will have to do:

Holy Spirit manifest your being
Comfort this soul,
So that I can start singing of that peaceful feeling that any minute now you’ll be bringing
Grace grows in winter I am told
But that’s not what I want to hear right now, truth be known
It’s you Father that I desire
So put out this unholy fire
And set ablaze me anew
With a peace that comes only from you
Where else can I turn and what else may I do?
Here I am…
Here I am…
Here I am…
-Bradley Hathaway

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Broken and lost, I come
I've lost sight of You, I must confess
But You haven't lost sight of me
Wounded and tired, I come
Feeling so weak, I must confess
You are the strength I need
In my weakness You are strong
and Lord, You've been there all along
and You wait for me to give You all I am

So Lord, I'm giving You my heart
I long for Your embrace
Can I find the love You give
Can I lose myself in grace
I surrender once again to my Father and my Friend
Lord, I'm giving You my heart

It is You I seek
All the strength I need
In all my ways, I acknowledge You