Monday, January 31, 2011

start

Good habits start now. That is what I am learning.

In the midst of the chaos of my life which includes nonstop go-go-go action from pretty much 7:30AM to 12:30 AM every day, I lose more and more time for Jesus.

This is heartbreaking in so many ways.

I swore I would never do this. I swore I would never forsake my first love.

And yet, I find myself continually doing it. I keep telling myself that once I get a break, I'll have a quiet time, or I'll read the Bible. But every time I get some free time, I find myself wasting it instead.

Enough is enough. I have learned that procrastination gets me nowhere. The things I say I'll do "when I get some free time," I rarely ever end up doing. To cultivate a good habit, I need to start now.

Life is busy, yes. Life is hard, yes. Life is stressful, yes. But it only gets busier, harder and more stressful from here. If I push God to the side now, He will stay there forever.

I need Him in my life. I miss Him.

I guess this is my confession and repentance.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

conundrum

There's someone who damaged me beyond what I thought was possible, and then there's someone who has brought so much healing to my life, I feel humbled and unworthy.

But for the life of me, I can't figure out why I've forgiven the damager or how to love the healer.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

spit

Put dirt and spit into my eyes. Let me see through a mixture of broken humanity and eternal humility.

edit: I guess a lot of people don't know what I'm referencing here. If you're confused, read this.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

thankful

You know, I have it pretty good. But I still can't shake the lingering bitterness that casts a cynical tint on all my interactions. This is my fight, my demon to struggle with.

I think what I'm starting to realize is that when I get what I asked for, I find myself all alone. And when I have no one else to run to, when I have no one left to point fingers at, all I'm left with is...me.

The funny thing about being alone is that one can't escape oneself. People who spend time in solitude either drive themselves mad or they emerge enlightened (deceived?) by some sort of spiritual truth.

I think I am starting to hate myself for my weaknesses.

But these are all just extraneous details. I am thankful for somebody who cares enough to mourn what has been lost, when all I can feel is begrudged malice.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

bows

Can I just say that I'm obsessed with bows? If you can't tell from my wardrobe, I love things that are ruffled, neutral-colored, and have bows. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's my feminine side compensating for my "male aura" that I give off, according to my roommates.

Anyways, my latest obsession:
The fittingly named Bowtied-Beauty Boots from Anthropologie. $248
"Crafted of chestnut leather, ruched at the vamp and topped with three pert bows, this pair will undoubtedly woo you with a dose of feminine charm."

Devastatingly lovely and completely sold out! :( Such is the luck. But I love these enough that they might be worth my time to stalk on eBay. Oh, Anthropologie, I had forgotten how much I love you. Hopefully this doesn't spark a new Anthro binge.