Sunday, July 31, 2011

longing

I've been rereading Brennan Manning's excellent book, The Furious Longing of God. It's been a few years since I've last leafed through it, and it is such a reminder of God's reckless, raging love for me.

I remember when I encountered it for the first time; when the Gospel came to life inside of me. I was sitting down and tears kept springing to my eyes, and no amount of self-consciousness would keep them from falling. It was like my entire world had attached itself to this one truth; that I was my Beloved's and His desire was for me, and that was all that mattered. The words kept echoing inside my head, that I was so loved and that He wanted me as I am, broken and crippled and uselessly pathetic.

It still makes my heart skip a beat when I reflect on His glorious and relentless love for me. What could be better? Sweeter than honey and infinitely more satisfying. It's times like these that I wonder how I could have ever hardened my heart to the majesty and tenderness of the Gospel.

Every fiber in me longs for those emotional moments; where the Gospel is real to me; more real than anything of my physical world. I know that God's love is not just a feeling, but it's those emotion-driven moments that sustain and revitalize my commitment to Jesus Christ. That's when I feel most at home, most safe and most complete.

Those moments are when I can understand how one would choose to spend one day with Jesus than 1,000 elsewhere. I want to dwell with Him forever and ever and ever, as if the concept of eternity isn't large enough to hold the vastness of my desire for Him.

Psalm 23

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

challenge

accepted.

No more makeup or skincare products until I completely finish 5 products. If you see me at Sephora, smack me.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Samuel

I've been going through the book of 1 Samuel lately. I love this book, because we get introduced to King David, one of the best and most Godly men that ever walked the Earth.

I'm in chapter 26 right now, where God showed favor to David while Saul was hunting him, and allowed David to cut off a piece of Saul's robe while in a cave and later take Saul's spear and a jug of water while he slept. Both times, David's men told him to kill Saul, because God had given him an amazing opportunity to kill his enemy. But David wouldn't hear of it, because God had anointed Saul as king, and he had more reverence for God's anointed than he had of his own well-being. He was so trusting of God to deal with Saul and himself according to His good and perfect will that he wouldn't harm Saul at all.

Side note: this is going to be a long post, I can already tell. Sorry.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my friendships. About how many of them won't last following graduation. About which ones will truly matter. And it's actually been kinda depressing, because of the hundreds of friends from high school that I had, I really only keep in touch with about 5. Not a very good track record. It makes me want to give up on current friendships, because I don't think they're going to last much longer.

But reading about David's faith and conviction that God had anointed Saul to be in the position he was in made me re-think my friendships. Maybe all of us are God's anointed, and He has hand-picked us to be exactly where we are right now, with the people we are with, right now. And if that is so, then who am I to sever ties with the people God has placed in my life and ordered me to love? Why should I worry or even fear the future, because God's plan is so sovereign and perfect.

And I have to trust that even though heartbreak is real and hard, God is still good. Even if friends fade away over the next few years. Because I will see every one of my Christian friends again anyways. For eternity.

Monday, July 18, 2011

need

I have two jobs this summer; I work on campus and I intern downtown. In both my offices, there's a person who brings their dog into work (sometimes my campus job has 2 or 3 dogs!). This has made me realize something-I need a dog! They just instantly brighten my day. They're cute and cuddly and loving and happy, and they make me soooo happy! And they are so, so worth the allergies that come along with them.

Every single day, I've been watching videos of puppies and looking at pictures online.


Who doesn't need some love in their life??



Cavaliers are my favorite, but are 20 times more likely to contract heart disease and have a shorter than average life span. It's like the girls that are always attracted to the bad boys-they know they shouldn't because they'll fall in love and end up heartbroken.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

lesbo

Controversial title, I know, sue me.

I was watching The Voice the other night, and it was so poignant for me to watch Beverly, the bald lesbian rocker chick, show her love for Frenchie, one of her competitors on her team. I felt like I could feel the fierceness of her affection, just by listening to the words and the affectionate tone of her voice. I could see the strength of their bond in their body language, and the way they affirmed each other on national television.

I so admire that she is able to stand up and be strong for herself, even though I'm sure her road has been rocky. I think it's beautiful and admirable that she has the courage to love people as intensely as she does, in spite of the hate she's received.

I think I used to love boldly. I think somewhere along the road, I've gotten burned a lot. I've gotten belittled a lot. I've gotten rejected a lot. I feel like my personality shrunk, or maybe just a part of me withered up and died.

I don't know why I feel like I have a sense of loss within myself, but I feel it all the same and I can't shake it off.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

comparison

I will never be good enough for you, just like he will never be good enough for you, just like nobody will be good enough for you ever.

Welcome to Doucheville, Population: you.