Sunday, August 7, 2011

hard

This may be the most frank and detailed post I've written about so far.

Usually, I try to keep my blogs at least somewhat vague, so as to minimize the characterization of the people I encounter and to keep the focus on me (hey, blogging is inherently selfish; hate the game, not the player), lest the very person I'm writing about stumbles across this very blog.

I don't know why it has changed with this particular post, but I just want to be real, and I want to stop feeling like I have to protect the people that hurt me. Their actions should stand alone and they should take credit for it.

I often say that I have "Daddy issues." Most people wonder what that means. This may give some insight into my situation.

The last time I was home, I got accused of putting a scratch in my mom's car. When I tried to stand up for myself and say that it hadn't been there 2 days ago, when I thoroughly inspected the car before coming back to the bay, I got interrupted, yelled at, cursed out, and made to get out of the car so my dad could "show me" how to drive.

No joke.

It's hard for me to feel like a family is a safe place to be myself. It's hard for me to believe my family when they say they love me, when hours ago my very father screamed "Fuck you, bitch" to my face. It's hard for me to rely on myself for emotional support, even when I've had to do it all my life. And it's hard to write this blog and post it in a public place, not knowing the faceless readers who will sit here and judge me/my family without appreciating the complexities of imperfect Christians living in an imperfect world.

And people wonder why it is so hard for me to trust.

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