Tonight was simultaneously wonderful and really, really hard. The men put on a wonderful Womens Appreciation, but it was also the first time that the concept of leaving this amazing town with these amazing people who I've lived, loved and experienced life with for the past 4 years became real to me. And it was really hard. :(
It is absolutely humbling to hear from the men how our interactions have changed them and helped them grow and mature into better men. I think it's hard to realize that our actions actually have significance when we're caught up in day by day activities.
Man, I've been meaning to blog for so long; I have so much I want to process through.
1. Lately, I've been realizing how my desire for real, mature love drives a lot of my interactions. I think because I had a lack of it in the formative years of my life, it's something that I even struggle to believe exists, let alone exists for me to experience. I think the model of love based on my parents' marriage differs greatly from the love Christ talked about when referencing the Church as his bride. I think that I really struggle to believe that that kind of love is real; that kind of love could be real for me. No, I'm not talking about wanting a boyfriend. I mean I doubt the existence of a love that so closely resembles God's perfect love to exist within an earthly relationship. The idea of a love based on mutual respect and submission is foreign to me, to be honest. And that makes me sad. I hope and pray that one day I could encounter that type of life-changing, self-sacrificial love.
2. I think I've been maturing in the way I ask for love from others. I'm learning to ask for what I need. And, I've also been realizing that if the other person does not love me in the way that I've articulated my need, it does not reflect on my worthiness of being loved. However, I'm glad that I'm more okay with being needy, because I'm able to understand it within the context of a Biblical community instead of just attributing it to my selfish cravings for attention.
3. I have not been experiencing words of affirmation lately, and I think that's another reason why tonight was so wonderful. Even though there were no specifics, I still felt loved by the general encouragement and support. I think I need to start asking for it more.
4. I struggle with letting go of my own notions of success when considering my future. Also, I think the future has been inhibiting my ability to enjoy my last few months in SLO. I hate that my normal life consists of stress. I have begun to really hate school, and I feel really trapped. I'm praying that God would give me the strength to endure the last few months, as well as to give me a passion for my major again. I think God has a lot to grow in me within this area of my life.
Change is hard. Life is hard and unpredictable. But I'm so, so grateful that the Lord's love is steadfast and immutable.
Ps 94:18 "When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' Your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."