Thursday, August 1, 2013

streams

Aw, my poor, neglected blog. :(

Just because I've been silent online doesn't mean I've been at peace. Quit the opposite, actually. But God has been so very, very gracious to me throughout this time of my life.

I feel so torn. My heart is still in SLO, in college, when I was just a teenager learning what it means to be loved and accepted by a community. But my reality is here, in a big city, where people don't care to know me or share life with me. Where I'm expected to give and give of myself, my time, and my energy and to be satisfied with a paycheck in return.

I'm nowhere close to where I thought I would be post-graduation. I think it just hit me how much of my life has changed from college - how my relationships are so different, how I've lost people that I was close to, how I've gained new ones. It's a blur of ups and downs, laughter and uncomfortable silences, mistakes and life events and trials. So much life lived in such a short amount of time. The city moves at such a fast pace, and I think I got caught up in its quickness for a while, but I stepped out for a moment to realize I desperately want it to slow down. I desire clarity and peace and restoration.

I feel the loneliness of the city. I know exactly how it feels to be in a room full of friends and still feel so alone. Untouchable. I feel very uncared for and not valued.

At the same time, I just had a glorious time this evening spending some quality time with my Creator. I turned on some worship music and read Francis Chan's Erasing Hell, and I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was deeply valued and intimately loved.

Abiding joy, yet I feel so unsettled at the same time.

My soul is crying out for rest in green pastures, beside streams of living waters.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
    he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.