Dear Sarah

realization

2012-01-26T15:38:00.000-08:00

My good friend from back home was randomly in town last night, and it was awesome to catch up with him. Except I felt oddly stumped when trying to recount any major life experiences from the past month or two.

I realized that I have so many responsibilities and obligations, I don't have time to really live. Everything I do is either because I have to or scheduled around what I have to do or where I have to be at.

I don't want my life to be like this! Feel like I'm drowning...

From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. -Psalm 61:2

admission

2012-01-24T00:03:00.000-08:00

I must admit that lately, I have just been feeling so...unsatisfied.

I work all day and then I do homework. Or I go to class all day and work during my breaks.

I'm tired of feeling perpetually broke when I look at my accounts. I want to reach my goals faster. I want to have time to enjoy the money I make with people I love.

For the most part, I am perfectly content to do the "responsible" and "mature" thing. But sometimes I just want to be normal, and I want to be okay with doing the irresponsible thing sometimes.

Too bad I was never very good at being an irresponsible youth.

older

2012-01-03T23:49:00.000-08:00

If there is one thing I can say about the aging process, it's that it's incredibly humbling. Starting to realize that the world is very big and I am very small. Jesus, direct my steps and pour out Your favor on me.

mobile

2011-12-30T10:44:00.000-08:00

So inspired by this mobile!

collarless

2011-12-08T16:11:00.000-08:00

Fashion trend that I'm slightly obsessed with: collarless jackets. I have one from J Crew (that I'm wearing right now!) that I absolutely adore. I'm on the hunt for one in black. This one from Asos took my breath away, but is sold out in my size.

I think the collarless neckline is SO effortlessly chic and really pulls an outfit together. Plus, it provides the perfect backdrop to highlight a brightly patterned scarf, my favorite accessory choice ever.

wait

2011-12-05T17:42:00.000-08:00

I will wait for you, Lord.

Even though it's hard, even though I hate the waiting period.

Psalm 130:6 "My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning."

I'm waiting because I know it will be worth it.

I'm not going to cheapen it with any of my ignorant interruptions. I will let it play out in your hands, according to how you've planned it.

Now this is not the same as giving up-no, this is an act of surrender. This is an act of faith, of hope and trust in you. I am a living sacrifice; may I be a pleasing aroma to you. This is my life as an offering to you, and it's not without trepidation and anxiety that I turn this over to your hands. Obedience takes sacrifice.

Psalm 27:7-8:
Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
You have said, "Seek my face."My heart says to you,
"Your face, LORD, do I seek."

PS-God, please don't let me down.

hopeless

2011-12-04T23:13:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just feel so overtaken by the rawness of the pain in the world. So much suffering.

I guess that's the curse of having so much empathy. It is a wonderful blessing to be able to offer encouragement and support to hurting people on a level that is deeper than what most others can reach. But it's also so hard when the only thing you can do for someone is watch and pray.

I am so thankful for Jesus Christ, and the hope he gives me when I feel like I cannot take one more second of this wretched life. When my heart is about to burst and my soul feels too heavy to move. The only thing that can combat hopelessness is surrender. The moments where I am convinced that the darkness hasn't won over the light are when I get to sit and offer my life as a living sacrifice to the living God that is real and hasn't given up on me or on anyone else.

I wish I could sit at His feet and worship Him all day.

Ps 16:11 You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Being with Him is the easy part; He offers rest and relief to the burdened. Being in the world is the tough part.

take

2011-12-02T13:21:00.000-08:00

Take my life, and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in ceaseless praise,
Let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands, and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love;
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee,
Swift and beautiful for Thee.
Take my voice, and let me sing
Always, only, for my King;
Take my lips, and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee,
Filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold;
Not a mite would I withhold;
Take my intellect, and use
Every power as Thou shalt choose,
Every power as Thou shalt choose.
Take my will, and make it Thine;
It shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart; it is Thine own;
It shall be Thy royal throne,
It shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love; my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure-store.
Take myself, and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee,
Ever, only, all for Thee.

Here am I. Lord, send me. Take my life, it's all for Thee.

hacked

2011-11-30T07:31:00.001-08:00

So I'm pretty sure Satan hacked my phone.

Yesterday was a tough day for me. Lately I've been feeling attacked with all these thoughts of "no one likes you" and "you're all alone" that have been echoing in my head. And yesterday was really hard, because I was reaching out to people via text, via facebook, and nobody was responding. I was planning on spending time in the evening being with friends because I had recognized that it probably wouldn't be healthy for me to just be alone. But nobody texted me back, so I stayed in and watched TV and let myself feel sad and alone.

And then literally this morning, I woke up, opened my eyes and prayed, "Jesus, I'm sorry about yesterday. It was a really hard day for me, but I know that You love me and that's where I need to be deriving my worth from, not everybody else. Help me to believe this truth." My prayer was then interrupted by the sound of my phone going crazy! I got a stream of 20+ texts all from yesterday that hadn't gone through to my phone at all! They were all from my friends asking me when I wanted to hang out or where, or just some encouraging words for me.

How silly of me to believe I was all alone! And Satan, stay away from me. And my phone.

learning

2011-11-24T21:04:00.001-08:00

Being at home this Thanksgiving break has given me a lot to process through.

First, I've realized that my family severely lacks in grace. I think this is one of the biggest tragedies about my family. This is also what makes it so unpleasant to be around my family for any extended period of time. It is very sad to see how people function when they are not accustomed to grace.

The way my parents raised me was very justice-based. If my brother or I did something wrong (or if they thought we did something wrong), we would get punished. Except the punishments rarely fit the crime. In retrospect, I got punished for a lot of things that I didn't know were wrong. They never took the time to explain it anyways. So I grew up very confused and always walking on eggshells, because I didn't know when I was going to get punished for something. And I never knew what grace looked like, because it was never displayed to me.

Even more sadly, the way my parents interact with each other and their own family show a lack of grace as well. I mean, a life without grace? How does the Gospel even have any relevance to a life like that? I can understand the attraction one would have towards it, but I question how real the impact is if it doesn't change their day to day interactions.

I think college has taught me a lot about grace. When I entered college, I was like a poorly cared for animal-easily spooked, distrusting, independent to a fault. I had a very limited notion of what living out the Gospel could look like. I wasn't accustomed to living or dealing with people who gave grace, so I didn't know how to give any to others. However (and I thank the Lord above for the way He dealt with me), God placed some amazing people in my life who had had encounters with the Gospel, which allowed them to give me grace for being ungracious to them. I've learned a lot from them.

Second, I think I have a guilt problem with spending money. Did not see that coming, lol, especially considering my pre-college spending habits. Shoot, I would FLY through my money. And now I feel guilty when my parents or my grandma give me money. And telling them what I want for Christmas? Oh man, I feel almost embarrassed about telling them, even though they ask!

I think I'm striving for balance right now; my work/life balance and my saving/spending balance. I've simplified my life a lot since freshman year of college, and I'm much more mature with how I spend my money. So why do I feel so guilty spending money on myself? I mean, I tithe, save and invest diligently, so why can't I enjoy my spending, too? I think there's a lot more here to process through, and I'm interested as to what I'll uncover.

Third, and somewhat unrelated to being at home are these verses from 1 Samuel 22-23:
"Has the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices,
as in obeying the voice of the LORD?
Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice,
and to listen than the fat of rams.
²³For rebellion is as the sin of divination,
and presumption is as iniquity and idolatry." (emphasis mine)

Whoa. To obey is better than sacrifice? I feel like I've always valued sacrifice. Especially because the importance of Jesus Christ's self-sacrifice for the sake of humanity is constantly emphasized (and rightly so). But I've never really given thought to the fact that Christ's crucifixion was as much about (perhaps even more so) obedience than sacrifice.

I found this passage to be very convicting for me. If obedience is valued more than sacrifice in the eyes of the Lord, then am I being obedient to the God I swore to give my life to? What areas in my life do I struggle with obedience? And do I even take the time out of my day to listen, really listen for what He has to say to me? I can't obey if I don't listen. How fruitful are my quiet times?

Lots to think about. So thankful for the Savior that came down to Earth approximately 2000 years ago to save me and the rest of the world from an eternity spent apart from God. So thankful for the life He's given me and the places He's placed me to do His calling. So thankful for the way He continually pursues my heart.

My God is good. :)

sobering

2011-11-21T23:14:00.000-08:00

Dear __________,

I heard about what you did today. It broke my heart.

If I could tell you anything right now, my hope would be to convince you that God exists, and that He loves you, He truly loves you. More than anything, I pray that this would become a reality for you.

You may never know how much I desire for you to know Jesus Christ for yourself, but I hope that my pleas to the Lord on your behalf will pay off.

God is real. He loves you. You can trust Him with your life. He has created you for so much more than you think you're capable of. He has placed huge passions and great vision for your life for a reason. You know those moments where you're spending time with your family or doing the stuff you love and you just feel so alive? That's because God created you for those moments. When you're in touch with the eternal and you feel full of purpose and exhilaration, that is reality. The world's pessimism and obsession with depravity? That is the illusion, no matter how real pain feels in the moment.

We were not created to live without hope. You know this, because you feel the despair and the darkness when hope eludes you. I know you're no stranger to pain and twisted love. I know the thought of God as your Abba Father freaks you out. You have been given many reasons to distrust fathers because of experiences with yours. But I fear that you will miss out on eternity of life because an imperfect man distorted your view of the perfect God offering His perfect, healing love.

I can see it in you when we talk. You want, so badly, for the Gospel to be true. You want there to be a God that can love you perfectly and completely purely. You want Him to care.

This letter is written to tell you that this Gospel is absolutely, 100% true. This is good news.

But you don't have to take my word for it. If trusting Him with everything is too much for you to handle right now, offer up a part of your life and ask Him to prove that He is trustworthy. He loves getting the opportunity to romance us. :)

I conclude this letter with the hope that one day I will be able to read this letter to you in Heaven; that you would know how intentional God's call on your life was and how strongly Jesus Christ wanted a relationship with you.

Blessings to you,
Sarah

friendship

2011-11-07T23:11:00.000-08:00

Today, I am very grateful for my friendships.

I've been feeling very worn out lately. Between work and school, I'm probably pulling 50+ hour weeks.

Today was one of those days that I left home at 8:15AM and didn't come home until 11PM. And halfway through my day, I was definitely feeling it. I felt unmotivated, stressed by school, panicked by my apathy, and I just wanted to curl up in bed.

My yucky mood was totally cheered up by my friends. To end my night on a high note, I'm going to recount my happy little anecdotes.

-I texted two of my EPIC UCSB girls asking for prayer for my stresses and bad moods. They sent me back encouraging texts with tons of love and smiley face emoticons. :)

-I gchatted with Bandy about how I was feeling, and he sent me Mt 25:14-30, the parable of the talents, and encouraged me to keep going

-I was sitting in a classroom, waiting for the class to start, when my friend walked by and saw me. He came inside just to give me a hug and ask how I was doing.

-My classmate offered to study with me for our midterm AND bring me noms.

Amidst my world-weariness and burnt out attitude, I am still so grateful that I can call upon my brothers and sisters to help carry my burden and keep me going. I am so thankful that I never have to be alone, and that God sends along just what I need to keep my spirits up.

I feel very humbled by His grace, and the undeserved love of my friends.

everyday

2011-09-18T00:40:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I got prophesied over by the pastor and some of the church members at Everyday church in Oceana.

I really appreciate it when God affirms me in multiple ways.

For instance, I've been anxious about my future after graduation; and I work really hard in the present to open up more opportunities for myself in the future. However, I've been questioning if all the time and energy I put into investing in my future now is going to be worth it in the end. I mean, I trust God to provide for me, but I do feel like I need to be proactive in achieving my career goals. So anyways, I've been questioning my workload in my life lately, and over the past week, I've had multiple friends of mine tell me that they think I'm the hardest working person in EPIC. Additionally, Pastor Mark prophesied over me tonight and told me that God was very pleased with me, and He sees my hard work and commends me for it.

Seriously, what could be more reassuring than that? God has my future planned out, and He is completely pleased that I'm working so hard to allow myself more opportunities in the future to go through the doors He opens for me. I feel very comforted and blessed right now.

Pastor Mark also said that God loves that I've learned to release my emotions to Him, but now He wants to release His emotions, name His love, onto me. I don't know what that exactly looks like, but I'm excited to experience it.

What an encouraging night. :)

don't be offended

2011-09-17T02:25:00.000-07:00

I know that there are lots of secret lurkers on this blog; both people I know and don't. To both groups of people, I want to issue a disclaimer about this post:
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, and that fact pervades through every aspect of my life, finances included. I've tried to shy away from posting too much about my faith, but I realized I can't be all that personal about my personal finance without referencing it somewhat frequently. I realize that this post may come across as 1. annoying 2. cult-like and 3. pointless if you do not share the same beliefs as myself. If that describes you, then I hope that you can refrain from making any mean comments directed at my faith and instead, take new insights on how people of a certain religion handle their money.

That being said, let's get into the thoughts/rants that have been swirling in my head the last few months.

I really hate how churches handle the topic of money and finances. In fact, I think a lot of churches mismanage their money. I greatly dislike that churches will talk about money maybe once a year, and the sermon consists of explaining the Biblical reasons of why we should tithe, followed by a call for tithes and offerings that ends up leaving me feeling a little manipulated and guilt-tripped into giving away my money. I wish churches had more transparency. One of the things I love about the church I normally attend is that my pastor will welcome the congregation every week and specifically tell guests and newcomers to not give a tithe. He explains that he'd rather them keep their money and instead receive Jesus Christ's teachings. And then he addresses the regular churchgoers and asks them to please give, because it's a blessing for the church and the Lord commands it. He finishes with a summary of exactly what the money is going towards (a larger facility to accommodate the large and ever-growing size of its congregation).

While this is a start, I would love to hear a sermon on tithing. But not about the traditional tithe of 10%. I want to hear a message on the topic of generosity. Because while 10% is commanded in the letter of the law, a generous way of life is what is preached in the spirit of the law.

The other day, I was convicted of being too legalistic. I'm a financial management major hoping to become a certified financial planner. It's probably not too much of a shocker that I keep a fairly detailed budget. (insert shocked gasp here) I even have a category for tithing/giving (I use the term loosely). Last month, I had already given away the money I had allotted to give away, when I was walking with a friend through downtown and saw a homeless man sitting on a bench holding a cardboard sign that read, "Hungry. Any help would be appreciated." I felt compelled to buy the man a sandwich, but instantly I remembered that I had already spent my giving budget. And then I felt horrified with myself; that I would let something as small as going over a budget get in the way of loving my neighbor in a tangible manner. I bought him that sandwich, and left to process through my internal struggle.

The Bible tells us to give 10%. I think what God wants is for us to live generously. Why was I so bothered that I went over that 10%? For a moment, I forgot that all money is God's money and got too swept away by the sub-categorizing of my budget.

I feel like this is a sentiment echoed by a lot of Christians, whether they're aware of it or not. I was chatting with one of my friends, who happens to be devoted to full time ministry. In order to do that, she needs to raise support every year. Asking people for money can be a very hard thing (I had to go through the same process when I went to Hawaii on summer project, although I had to raise a much smaller amount), and there are moments of great discouragement. She told me that she hates it when she asks for support from people and they say, "I'm sorry, but I'm just not able to give right now." It's not the refusal that bothers her; it's the attitude. She would be fine if they said, "I'm sorry, but I can't give to your ministry right now, because I'm giving elsewhere." But claiming that you can't give shows a lack of faith or trust in God. Hasn't He told us He will provide for us? Yet do we really trust Him? Are we living our lives in a way that aligns with what we proclaim to believe?

Our comfortable, middle-class American lifestyle has become so safe that we no longer need to trust God to provide for our everyday needs.

God has called us to give. Not give when we're in a place of financial stability; not give when we have a higher paying job; not give when it's convenient for us, but simply, to give.

And I think the whole "I'm a college student with no job and my parents/loans/grants are paying my way through college so I can't give because it's not my money to give" is not an excuse either. Ten percent of earned income is not just God's money. All money is God's money. If He has provided you with money to live, whether it be from a job, your parents, a bank or the government, give thanks and praise to the Lord and obey His commandment to give.

Giving should hurt. It should take some kind of sacrifice. That's how you know you need to rely on God to provide for you. If what you're giving doesn't hurt, you're probably not giving enough. I've been reading through the Old Testament, and the story of Moses and the ten plagues. For the final plague, Moses instructs the people of Israel to kill a 1 year old male lamb without blemish for the very first Passover feast in history. While most people talk about the symbolic significance of killing a lamb without any blemish, let's take a look at the socioeconomic effects of this act. A 1 year old male lamb without any blemish would be a highly valued asset in Biblical times. A perfect lamb like that could have been bred to produce more fine sheep, sold for some serious money, or used to produce fine wool. But instead, they were commanded to sacrifice it. You've got to sacrifice in order for it to be a sacrifice.

A cool story that I like to share with people is a really good example of sacrifice and God's provision in my life. Within my community, summer missions trips are highly encouraged. This means that every March, I get bombarded with tons of letters from my friends, asking for support as they go on missions. To avoid giving away hundreds of dollars in just one month, I started socking away money every month to give away in March. When March rolled around, I had about $400 that I had set aside to give away to missions. After prayerfully considering the people and places, I ended up promising God that I would just give to anybody that asked me for support. It wasn't too long until I had given away the entire $400 and was faced with several letters that trickled in at the end of the month. I decided to trust God to provide for me in my everyday needs and continued writing support checks. I gave $200 more than I had budgeted for. Let me just say, as a college student making $10/hr, $200 seems like a lot. I really had to trust God to provide food for me (food is my main expense every month; my parents pay for rent). I figured He would simply send friends to make me food or treat me to dinner and have leftovers or something. But no; instead I got an email a little while later, asking if I would be interested in a survey. The compensation amount? $150. Sweeeeeet. So I found out my assigned time and logged in, ready to participate. Unfortunately, it looked like the survey was down or there was some kind of technical failure. Disappointed and hoping it didn't mean I couldn't participate anymore, I emailed the company and logged off. The next day, I got a reply saying that there had been a glitch in their system, but it was working now and if I was still interested, to email them back ASAP. I responded quickly saying I was, and they thanked me and told me that for my trouble they would be giving me...an extra $50. The delta I had from trusting God was given back to me in the exact amount of $200. Praise. God. There really is no reason to doubt His faithfulness.

PS- For all the extremists out there, no I'm not saying you should sell all your possessions and give it to the poor. Heck, I want to be a financial planner. My future livelihood is dependent on helping people steward their money well. I don't think that everybody should take as drastic an action to live as a penniless monk/nun, although I still believe the Lord would provide for your needs should you actually sell all your possessions. But the point is, you should have a heart that is willing to, if the Holy Spirit moves you.

why

2011-09-14T21:11:00.000-07:00

People always want to know why I keep trying.

It's because I'm not afraid of looking like a fool to other people, so long as I remain steadfast and upright in the sight of the Lord.

harassment

2011-09-07T23:14:00.000-07:00

There is a guy that works at the supermarket nearest to my house that totally creepily stares at me when I shop there. When I'm at his register, he will noticeably give me the up-down glance. One time he even so much as bent forward to show me something on the credit card machine, but my friend and I saw him look down my shirt.

Who are these weirdos and do they really think that they can look at girls like that and not get noticed? I feel so uncomfortable whenever I see him working.

Anyone have any advice as to what to do about these creepers? I'm usually pretty outspoken if I feel like someone is saying or being inappropriate, but not when all they do is just stare.

laugh

2011-08-26T08:07:00.000-07:00

In the last couple of days, I've had multiple people respond to similar situations in the exact same way. It's given me a chuckle.

"I'm going back to Hawaii in December! I can't waittttt!"-me
"Again?! You're going back to WHO in December? What's his name?!"-everybody else

"I'm going down to Santa Barbara this weekend!"-me
"Santa Barbara? Who's in Santa Barbara? What's his name?!"-friend

scattered

2011-08-21T23:31:00.000-07:00

Random thoughts from this weekend:

I've written about how I feel like I've lost a sense of boldness in my ministry. That my love for people is expressed in a much more reserved, some would say timid, manner. I was reflecting on it yet again, and wondering if I was being a selfish Christian by focusing more on myself than on pursuing others. As I was having a quiet time, I felt like Jesus was assuring me that it was okay that my focus have turned inward. Instead of trying to make others feel loved, now I'm getting to experience God's love. I'm living out what I want others to have. It is so comforting to have that revealed to me.

What is up with people thinking it is okay to invite themselves along to everything they hear about? Seriously, people. Let others extend the invite to you, or just suck it up and realize that just because you're not invited along to that one thing doesn't mean you're not a friend anymore. And on the flip side, people who continually talk about events in front of others who aren't invited, realize what an insensitive jerk you're being and feel the atmosphere in the room.

It was literally a breath of fresh air to have an old friend come visit me for a week. There's just a level of comfort and ease that isn't always there with my college friends, who have really only known me for a handful of years, albeit important and transitional years. Having someone who really understands what I've been through and where I've come from takes a lot of pressure off of me to try to communicate my emotions clearly. It makes it so much easier for them to understand my reactions and thoughts of present situations. It was nice to not have to explain myself, and yet still feel more understood than if I had explained it in the first place. I felt like his advice for me just meant a little bit more than anyone else's.

And lastly, I realized that I've become much more introverted over the years. Though I am still very sociable, I've found that in general, the larger the group, the quieter I get.

redwoods

2011-08-20T21:19:00.000-07:00

There is nothing sweeter to me than seeing the redwood tree forest.

I can't quite explain it, but a sort of irresistible joy, peace and sense of safety falls over me. I have this urge to stop and stare at and maybe even hug the trees. It's like being a camper all over again. I wish I could stay there forever.

The redwoods have been a symbol of God's love for me throughout the years. Every time I come back to the redwoods, they stand tall and straight and majestic as ever, even though I've changed and grown and experienced so much life. Those redwoods represent the Lord's steadfast and never-changing love. When I was 10 and ecstatic to be back at summer camp, the sight of the trees along 17 made me squirm with anticipation of a week of childhood fun. When I was 16 and heartbroken by the death of a friend, those trees offered me comfort and hope. When I was 18 and my last time as a camper at Mount Hermon, those trees gave me courage and strength to leave the people I knew to make a life for myself in SLO. Now that I'm 21 and I've been away for a while, the redwoods reminded me of God's faithfulness and devotion to me.

Those redwood trees are God's way of romancing me. He makes me swoon sometimes. The tenderness with which He interacts with me is better than anything I could have ever asked for.

Standing in front of the redwood forest today reminded me of how great His care is for me. It reminded me that just as the redwoods are always in the same place, God's always there for me, but while I'm going through my life in SLO, I'm not always present to sit and enjoy Him. But when I take the time to meet with and enjoy Him, He will always be there and there is always peace and safety in His presence.

progress

2011-08-09T23:37:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to love, because I spend so much time trying to protect myself. I don't necessarily like it, but it's how I've learned to survive.

I've experienced traumatic moments and have seemed stoic, robotic and cold, even. This is how I learned to cope. Emotions come later, or maybe never at all, if I'm really good about pushing it down.

I know that I have a long way to go with learning to love people. But (and this is what gives me hope), I don't ever stop trying.

I fall off the wagon sometimes, because sometimes it costs me everything I have to just feel okay. Sometimes I just need to get through stuff, you know? But I want to love deeply and genuinely. And that desire is greater than my desire to keep my fragile heart safe. Most of the time, at least.

I think it's hard for the people around me to see me grow and fall stagnant, time after time. But we all have our own learning curves. Unfortunately, mine is a little slower than others at times. I need grace for that; and I need people to trust that I'm still trying. I haven't given up and I'm still fighting my own stubbornness.

I also think that sometimes it's hard for me to feel even qualified to care for others, when I have such a lousy track record. I've hurt a lot of people, inadvertently or otherwise. I think that I'm learning that I don't need to love perfectly in order for me to still love. I think that's one of the most beautiful things about this life. We don't need to love perfectly; in fact, we can't love perfectly. But love despite our imperfections is what makes us beautiful.

hard

2011-08-07T22:27:00.000-07:00

This may be the most frank and detailed post I've written about so far.

Usually, I try to keep my blogs at least somewhat vague, so as to minimize the characterization of the people I encounter and to keep the focus on me (hey, blogging is inherently selfish; hate the game, not the player), lest the very person I'm writing about stumbles across this very blog.

I don't know why it has changed with this particular post, but I just want to be real, and I want to stop feeling like I have to protect the people that hurt me. Their actions should stand alone and they should take credit for it.

I often say that I have "Daddy issues." Most people wonder what that means. This may give some insight into my situation.

The last time I was home, I got accused of putting a scratch in my mom's car. When I tried to stand up for myself and say that it hadn't been there 2 days ago, when I thoroughly inspected the car before coming back to the bay, I got interrupted, yelled at, cursed out, and made to get out of the car so my dad could "show me" how to drive.

No joke.

It's hard for me to feel like a family is a safe place to be myself. It's hard for me to believe my family when they say they love me, when hours ago my very father screamed "Fuck you, bitch" to my face. It's hard for me to rely on myself for emotional support, even when I've had to do it all my life. And it's hard to write this blog and post it in a public place, not knowing the faceless readers who will sit here and judge me/my family without appreciating the complexities of imperfect Christians living in an imperfect world.

And people wonder why it is so hard for me to trust.

becoming

2011-08-02T14:43:00.000-07:00

You know, amidst all my internal struggles, many of which I share on this blog, I think I'm becoming more and more okay with not being perfect. Not in a complacent way, but in an accepting, optimistic way.

It's hard to feel like I'm not being judged when I talk to people who have read my blog, because I bare so much of whatever is on my heart at the time, Godly or not so much. But I don't regret it. No, this outlet has become a diary that I can look back on, sometimes cringing, sometimes smiling. Many times, it has started off as an emotional release and become a prayer. It is evidence, however feeble, of my ever-deepening walk with Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior.

I like that I can be an open book. Looking back on situations where I thought I was never going to forgive somebody, or where I was stubborn and foolish aren't exactly fun to relive, but it keeps me humble. It reminds me of how God tenderly disciplined me, much the way a father does for a wayward child. It reminds me that I'm not alone and that my life isn't a finished novel. No, it's simply a part of my life. All the things I've written about are a part of me, but they don't define me.

For all of you who read these words, know that I am a sinner, in need of grace. Sometimes I struggle to accept that I am in sin, sometimes I struggle to accept grace offered to me. Please be patient with me.

longing

2011-07-31T23:33:00.000-07:00

I've been rereading Brennan Manning's excellent book, The Furious Longing of God. It's been a few years since I've last leafed through it, and it is such a reminder of God's reckless, raging love for me.

I remember when I encountered it for the first time; when the Gospel came to life inside of me. I was sitting down and tears kept springing to my eyes, and no amount of self-consciousness would keep them from falling. It was like my entire world had attached itself to this one truth; that I was my Beloved's and His desire was for me, and that was all that mattered. The words kept echoing inside my head, that I was so loved and that He wanted me as I am, broken and crippled and uselessly pathetic.

It still makes my heart skip a beat when I reflect on His glorious and relentless love for me. What could be better? Sweeter than honey and infinitely more satisfying. It's times like these that I wonder how I could have ever hardened my heart to the majesty and tenderness of the Gospel.

Every fiber in me longs for those emotional moments; where the Gospel is real to me; more real than anything of my physical world. I know that God's love is not just a feeling, but it's those emotion-driven moments that sustain and revitalize my commitment to Jesus Christ. That's when I feel most at home, most safe and most complete.

Those moments are when I can understand how one would choose to spend one day with Jesus than 1,000 elsewhere. I want to dwell with Him forever and ever and ever, as if the concept of eternity isn't large enough to hold the vastness of my desire for Him.

Psalm 23

¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
² He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³ he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,^[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

challenge

2011-07-27T11:28:00.000-07:00

accepted.

No more makeup or skincare products until I completely finish 5 products. If you see me at Sephora, smack me.

Samuel

2011-07-25T00:04:00.000-07:00

I've been going through the book of 1 Samuel lately. I love this book, because we get introduced to King David, one of the best and most Godly men that ever walked the Earth.

I'm in chapter 26 right now, where God showed favor to David while Saul was hunting him, and allowed David to cut off a piece of Saul's robe while in a cave and later take Saul's spear and a jug of water while he slept. Both times, David's men told him to kill Saul, because God had given him an amazing opportunity to kill his enemy. But David wouldn't hear of it, because God had anointed Saul as king, and he had more reverence for God's anointed than he had of his own well-being. He was so trusting of God to deal with Saul and himself according to His good and perfect will that he wouldn't harm Saul at all.

Side note: this is going to be a long post, I can already tell. Sorry.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my friendships. About how many of them won't last following graduation. About which ones will truly matter. And it's actually been kinda depressing, because of the hundreds of friends from high school that I had, I really only keep in touch with about 5. Not a very good track record. It makes me want to give up on current friendships, because I don't think they're going to last much longer.

But reading about David's faith and conviction that God had anointed Saul to be in the position he was in made me re-think my friendships. Maybe all of us are God's anointed, and He has hand-picked us to be exactly where we are right now, with the people we are with, right now. And if that is so, then who am I to sever ties with the people God has placed in my life and ordered me to love? Why should I worry or even fear the future, because God's plan is so sovereign and perfect.

And I have to trust that even though heartbreak is real and hard, God is still good. Even if friends fade away over the next few years. Because I will see every one of my Christian friends again anyways. For eternity.

need

2011-07-18T23:34:00.000-07:00

I have two jobs this summer; I work on campus and I intern downtown. In both my offices, there's a person who brings their dog into work (sometimes my campus job has 2 or 3 dogs!). This has made me realize something-I need a dog! They just instantly brighten my day. They're cute and cuddly and loving and happy, and they make me soooo happy! And they are so, so worth the allergies that come along with them.

Every single day, I've been watching videos of puppies and looking at pictures online.

Who doesn't need some love in their life??

Cavaliers are my favorite, but are 20 times more likely to contract heart disease and have a shorter than average life span. It's like the girls that are always attracted to the bad boys-they know they shouldn't because they'll fall in love and end up heartbroken.

lesbo

2011-07-06T00:11:00.000-07:00

Controversial title, I know, sue me.

I was watching The Voice the other night, and it was so poignant for me to watch Beverly, the bald lesbian rocker chick, show her love for Frenchie, one of her competitors on her team. I felt like I could feel the fierceness of her affection, just by listening to the words and the affectionate tone of her voice. I could see the strength of their bond in their body language, and the way they affirmed each other on national television.

I so admire that she is able to stand up and be strong for herself, even though I'm sure her road has been rocky. I think it's beautiful and admirable that she has the courage to love people as intensely as she does, in spite of the hate she's received.

I think I used to love boldly. I think somewhere along the road, I've gotten burned a lot. I've gotten belittled a lot. I've gotten rejected a lot. I feel like my personality shrunk, or maybe just a part of me withered up and died.

I don't know why I feel like I have a sense of loss within myself, but I feel it all the same and I can't shake it off.

comparison

2011-07-03T00:20:00.000-07:00

I will never be good enough for you, just like he will never be good enough for you, just like nobody will be good enough for you ever.

Welcome to Doucheville, Population: you.

shell

2011-06-29T16:28:00.000-07:00

I am simply too __________ to reach out to people, even when I need them.

Choose one:
a) busy
b) lazy
c) afraid
d) unworthy

How about e) all of the above.

genie

2011-06-25T11:26:00.001-07:00

If I had one wish, it'd be to have all the people that I love in the same location.

I think the hardest part of leaving is that I feel my friendships go unfinished. They get gypped because of the distance.

It's just not fair.

stress

2011-05-18T19:50:00.001-07:00

This ominous feeling that hangs over me. I don't like it. I don't want it. I can't seem to maintain control over it.

I just feel like life is going a mile a minute, and I'm feeling the wind from the approaching tornado.

I feel really behind on my life; like everybody else knew that life was coming and they started to get a head start on it and I just was left out in the cold. And I'm trying to catch up but it's like the developing country's production function in the Solow Growth model. I'll always be trying but I'll never get to the same place that the developed country's production function is. It's futile.

Wow, I know that's super nerdy for me to relate my emotional mindset to an economics model, but it held meaning for me.

But everyone tells me I'm doing so well, so I kinda just smile and nod and play along with their lies.

biography

2011-05-04T00:01:00.001-07:00

My life reads like a Psalm.

ache

2011-04-19T00:58:00.000-07:00

Looking at my friends' pictures of Hawaii and even just looking at pictures of the aina just makes my heart ache. Hawaii is so beautiful! I want to be there so badly.

turn

2011-04-07T22:46:00.001-07:00

It is our natural inclination to move away from people when we see their sins. We are rightly disgusted by sin, because we are image-bearers of God, and His law is written on our hearts.

Though natural, it is still not right.

May the sins of others turn our hearts away from our sins, not from each other.

If all of us were to be judged according to our sins, no one would be able to stand.

"We tremble at your power and bow before your unsearchable judgments and inscrutable ways. We cover our faces and kiss your omnipotent hand. So in this dark hour we turn against our sins, not against you."-John Piper

community

2011-03-24T14:40:00.000-07:00

These quotes sum up my thoughts on community right now.

God does not reward you for being loved but for loving. So be more frustrated with your failures to love than to be loved.-John Piper

As a servant, your primary responsibility is to be a "friend of the bridegroom." When you see a person who is close to grasping the claims of Jesus Christ, you know that your influence has been used in the right direction.-Oswald Chambers

He must increase, I must decrease.-John 3:30

awesome

2011-03-17T17:17:00.000-07:00

You know the saying that goes, "when your ears are burning, someone's thinking about you"?

Today, I was just chilling with God, talking to Him about life and stuff, and all of a sudden, I just got the overwhelming feeling that God was smiling at me. And all at once, I felt butterflies in my stomach and my lungs expanded with joy and I couldn't stop myself from grinning. I felt like I was going to explode a volcano of joy and peace on everyone around me!

It was awesome. :)

Gospel

2011-03-10T01:24:00.001-08:00

Why is the Gospel so rarely lived out?

We often share the Gospel. We meet up at Musty the Mustang and break off into guy/girl pairs and look for people sitting by themselves so we can ask them if they'd like to take a survey so we can steer them towards spirituality and hopefully share the Gospel with them. I have seen people respond with incredulity when they hear the Gospel. I have seen others astounded by it.

But I have also seen the way people respond to the simple message that God loves him/her regardless of the past, the present and the future; regardless of mistakes and insufficiencies, regardless of "every moment of sin, shame and dishonesty," regardless of our "shallow faith, feeble prayer life and our inconsistent discipleship." To all these, God responds, "I dare you to trust that I love you just as you are and not as you should be. Because you're never going to be as you should be."*

The moment people come to terms with what this means, they usually start crying. It is at this moment where they realize that everything they've searched for; everything they've yearned for is fulfilled in absolute, uncompromising, unshakable and unconditional love. They feel safe, beloved and understood.

And the best part is that we, as ambassadors of Christ, have the opportunity to bring this message to people. We have the privilege of loving God's people.

But do we?

I've realized it's much harder to communicate the true meaning of unconditional love when we feel far from it ourselves. This is why it is so important to prepare our spirits before we go out sharing with others. We must be reminded of what grace looks and feels like in order for us to effectively communicate it to others.

I am constantly reminded of how fragile our egos are. When I see people lash out, when I see them drowning in self-hatred or even pride, I realize these are all just defense mechanisms, designed to block out feelings of shame over our sin.

Fortunately, the Gospel has the power to break through our self defenses. To break though my sense of self-righteousness that I use to not feel the shame of my mistakes. To break through the self-hatred that I feel when I confront my failures. To break through all my barriers of defense until all that is left of me is a little patch of dirty and fertile soil, with the potential for life to grow.

And I realize that all God wanted in the first place was to offer me some sustenance to see me have life abundant.

*Brennan Manning, FTW

rock

2011-03-03T23:11:00.000-08:00

Hug your knees and hold yourself together.

Rock back and forth. Faster and faster. If you keep rocking, you'll keep moving, and if you keep moving, maybe you can convince yourself that you're going somewhere instead of just staying in the same place.

It's just like treading water. You move and move and get nowhere at all.

pick

2011-02-26T01:57:00.000-08:00

In business: quality, fast, cheap. Pick any two.

In life: money or God. Pick one.

"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money." Mt 6:24

oops

2011-02-18T01:43:00.001-08:00

It is not because of, but rather in spite of me that God's glory is seen.

Sometimes I just forget that.

deceit

2011-02-15T09:04:00.000-08:00

I think that you do not understand still.

The Gospel can be an extremely healing experience if you let it be. But until then, you cannot hope to give correction, because that correction, however well-intending you may make it seem, is not coming from a place of sincere concern. No, it is coming from a well-disguised place of bitterness.

Let it go.

First comes love, then comes truth. It cannot be the opposite way around, because it is easy to tell when there is no love in truth. It is called anger, and it's an excuse to be ungracious to other brothers and sisters hidden under the Christian practice of "rebuking."

Accept the grace that is given to you. Then learn to extend that grace to others.

envious

2011-02-15T00:38:00.000-08:00

I feel so jealous of people who seem to never feel like they have to work for love. They've grown up their entire lives with a healthy family and abundant love served to them on the platter of their choosing.

They never have to ask for it, and love is just there, for their taking. It never even crosses their mind that they have one of the most rare luxuries known to mankind.

Because they do not realize how rare it is, they don't worry about other people who aren't as fortunate as them. They don't think about doing something for someone else as a display of love, because they assume that everyone else has someone who will do it for them, as has happened in their own lives.

Meanwhile they just take and take and never give back exquisite, exhausting love.

SAD

2011-02-14T17:27:00.001-08:00

(Seasonal Affective Disorder)

I think I have it.

Today, I feel sad, insecure and lonely.

Sunshine, come back soon please.

accurate

2011-02-03T11:46:00.000-08:00

"When a moral person is confronted with contempt, immorality, disloyalty or dishonesty, he is so repulsed by the offense that he turns away and in despair closes his heart to the offender. But the miracle of the redemptive reality of God is that the worst and the vilest offender can never exhaust the depths of His love." - My Utmost for His Highest

Story of my life.

start

2011-01-31T00:24:00.000-08:00

Good habits start now. That is what I am learning.

In the midst of the chaos of my life which includes nonstop go-go-go action from pretty much 7:30AM to 12:30 AM every day, I lose more and more time for Jesus.

This is heartbreaking in so many ways.

I swore I would never do this. I swore I would never forsake my first love.

And yet, I find myself continually doing it. I keep telling myself that once I get a break, I'll have a quiet time, or I'll read the Bible. But every time I get some free time, I find myself wasting it instead.

Enough is enough. I have learned that procrastination gets me nowhere. The things I say I'll do "when I get some free time," I rarely ever end up doing. To cultivate a good habit, I need to start now.

Life is busy, yes. Life is hard, yes. Life is stressful, yes. But it only gets busier, harder and more stressful from here. If I push God to the side now, He will stay there forever.

I need Him in my life. I miss Him.

I guess this is my confession and repentance.

conundrum

2011-01-23T10:58:00.000-08:00

There's someone who damaged me beyond what I thought was possible, and then there's someone who has brought so much healing to my life, I feel humbled and unworthy.

But for the life of me, I can't figure out why I've forgiven the damager or how to love the healer.

spit

2011-01-18T21:58:00.000-08:00

Put dirt and spit into my eyes. Let me see through a mixture of broken humanity and eternal humility.

edit: I guess a lot of people don't know what I'm referencing here. If you're confused, read this.

thankful

2011-01-12T00:35:00.000-08:00

You know, I have it pretty good. But I still can't shake the lingering bitterness that casts a cynical tint on all my interactions. This is my fight, my demon to struggle with.

I think what I'm starting to realize is that when I get what I asked for, I find myself all alone. And when I have no one else to run to, when I have no one left to point fingers at, all I'm left with is...me.

The funny thing about being alone is that one can't escape oneself. People who spend time in solitude either drive themselves mad or they emerge enlightened (deceived?) by some sort of spiritual truth.

I think I am starting to hate myself for my weaknesses.

But these are all just extraneous details. I am thankful for somebody who cares enough to mourn what has been lost, when all I can feel is begrudged malice.

bows

2011-01-08T01:28:00.000-08:00

Can I just say that I'm obsessed with bows? If you can't tell from my wardrobe, I love things that are ruffled, neutral-colored, and have bows. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's my feminine side compensating for my "male aura" that I give off, according to my roommates.

Anyways, my latest obsession:
The fittingly named Bowtied-Beauty Boots from Anthropologie. $248
"Crafted of chestnut leather, ruched at the vamp and topped with three pert bows, this pair will undoubtedly woo you with a dose of feminine charm."

Devastatingly lovely and completely sold out! :( Such is the luck. But I love these enough that they might be worth my time to stalk on eBay. Oh, Anthropologie, I had forgotten how much I love you. Hopefully this doesn't spark a new Anthro binge.

smooth

2010-12-09T17:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I deleted a few memories of you. I went and looked back at all of them, and it amazed me how smooth the continuation was. Like you weren't even a part of it at all. Like you weren't even missed.

If only it was always that easy.

failure

2010-12-06T00:09:00.000-08:00

So now what? We choose failure over work, peace instead of redemption?

I just can't shake the feeling that something isn't right. What's driving this? Apathy? Acceptance? Hurt? Bitterness?

I can't help but wonder if pain and bitterness masquerade as apathy and/or acceptance.

Where do we go from here?

minimum

2010-11-30T11:34:00.001-08:00

At least I learned from you.

reflection

2010-11-18T12:43:00.000-08:00

Written for The Jesus Class.

Claim: Jesus’s death was not unusual.

There are many historical facts surrounding capital punishment in Roman times, but none is more infamous than crucifixion, the method by which Jesus Christ was executed some two thousand years ago. However, with the focus so much so on the brutality of Christ’s death, sometimes we forget that many other people endured the same torture as well.

So what distinguishes Jesus from the hundreds, likely thousands of people that were brutally crucified by Roman rule? It wasn’t that he was just innocent, because Pilate was known for being violent, ruthless and bloodthirsty. In fact, he was removed from office for being too cruel and crucifying too many people. It wasn’t because Jesus called Himself the Messiah, because it wasn’t blasphemous to proclaim yourself as Messiah, and as written by Josephus, there were many false Messiahs. No, the difference between Jesus and everyone else who was wrongfully hung on a cross is that Christ knew why He was dying and how His life/death would change history.
As a Christian, I am often humbled when I reflect on the mystery of the cross. What was He thinking about? He didn’t hate his killers, he pitied them and asked God to forgive them. Did He think of me? Did He see the full picture of salvation laid out in front of Him? Could He feel the full weight of the world’s sin and separation on that cross? I think that the suffering Jesus endured was of a different kind. Sure, many others experienced the same physical torture, but the psychological pain may have been more excruciating. I wonder if He thought it was worth the cost. I mean, I’m sure He did, because He did it and it was out of extreme love and obedience that He followed His Father’s plan. But I wonder if He ever questioned it. I guess what I’m saying is, I wonder if Jesus would still have suffered through everything if my soul was the only soul at stake. And I guess that’s what Christianity is, in fewer words. Believing that He did.

inexplicable

2010-11-15T23:37:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like nobody understands the depth and complexity of my love and care for them. Nor do they understand the depth and complexity of my fragility and pain when they hurt me.

It's such a see-saw of broken dynamics. You love me, I love you not, I love you, you love me not, etc and on and on it goes. There are just days when it feels like it's all too much and yet all too meaningless to matter.

There are just some days when love makes no sense at all.

chew

2010-10-23T14:57:00.001-07:00

Food for thought: All Christians are either Pharisees or prodigals.

exercise

2010-09-10T00:17:00.000-07:00

Where did it go? My sense of passion, my conviction of what is right and what is wrong.

It's like I am drowning in the chaos of the water; lost in the power of the tide and unable to see anything but my hair strangling me as it swirls around my neck, and I wonder if I will ever breathe again. And the worst part of it all is, I'm not sure if I even care that I'm dying.

Oh, Jesus, be with me now. Be my comfort, be my support, be my everything. I know that all I need is just a touch, just a glimpse of Your glory unveiled. I don't feel intimacy with You, and I know that it's all I need to shake myself from this apathy that is consuming me.

I need to stop running away from Your love.

serious

2010-08-17T00:02:00.000-07:00

I am moving to Hawai'i after I graduate. I miss it so bad.

life

2010-07-28T03:25:00.001-07:00

I think God has taught me a lot this summer about life. I have learned how to really live and thrive in the moment and not worry about anything else. I have learned how to take advantage of the extremely limited time I have here in Hawai`i and with my local friends. I think it's something that's definitely going to transfer over into how I live my life back in the Bay and in SLO. In addition, I think I've gained more courage and have been released from a lot of fear and apathy by embracing this "carpe diem" lifestyle; laid-back though it may be.

It's going to suck leaving this island.

overthrown

2010-07-13T14:01:00.000-07:00

It is rare for me to disregard my feelings and go with pure logic. I see so much value in understanding why we feel what we do, and how to deal with the root cause of our issues.

However, there comes a point when I realize that my feelings are so jumbled and difficult to pin down, that it only leads me in a cycle that is all about me and not about the healing that God wants to give me. Because of that, even though I feel like I don't fully understand how I feel and why I feel this way, I'm setting it all aside for the sake of the glory of God. I resolve to do whatever it takes to live righteously before the Lord, so that when I face Him, I will feel no shame.

reconciliation

2010-07-07T00:10:00.000-07:00

There is a great divide between how things should be and how they are.

This is perhaps most clearly seen in my interactions with the locals here. I have found an amazing community of believers who treat their brothers and sisters as well as everyone they meet with incredible intimacy, as if they're already ohana. I have literally never felt so loved, accepted, pursued and valued so soon after meeting anyone. There is a part of me that deeply resonates with this treatment; this was how we were supposed to experience relationships. Their lives are so fulfilled, so rich and so joyful.

And yet, there is a part of me that is deeply unsettled with this community. When you have an ohana that is this strong, sometimes Heaven only looks appealing because you know that your friends and family will be there. In other words, you lose focus on Jesus and your community becomes your idol.

"Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs."-Jonah 2:8

It's so hard for me, because there is a part of me that loves the community here so fully, but there's another part of me that is uneasy with the complacency the islanders have. People here are so welcoming and friendly, but they are also very apathetic.

It's frustrating, because I would love for them to share our vision; to step out boldly in faith to further God's kingdom. I would love to partner up with them in ministry, so that when we leave, they'll take over. But when I look at the Christian locals, instead of seeing outreach, I only see inreach.

It's like two different worlds that I live in-the part that longs for deep relationships and the part that brims with passion, ready to make a difference. I would like to reconcile these worlds.

Sometimes it's hard to figure out which is the bigger curse-constantly be pursuing improvement or complacency with how things are.

long

2010-07-01T04:39:00.001-07:00

I wrote this a while ago, but I re-read it again tonight and liked it again. So here it is. Excuse the improper grammar and lowercase letters. And the lengthiness.

definitions

to feel loved is to feel the embrace of the one you love in the sunshine wrapping its arms around you. it's a magical ferris wheel ride, set with a velvet backdrop and silver glitter glue stars and an extravagant full moon.

but really, to be loved is to be unsatisfied. to be loved is to be known, and yet still, never actually known.

to be broken is to be slumped over in your seat as someone mixes black into the colors of the sky, as torrents of failures, regrets, fears, and crashed hopes are rolled up into a bucket of red-faced, puffy-eyed tears. to be broken is to be on your knees, facedown, begging for mercy and begging for completeness. to be broken is to feel the touch of despair, to feel numbness and think that not even death could be this miserable, this desperate.

to be broken is to trade yourself for someone else's charity, someone else's compassion.

to be alone is to walk a barren stretch of dirt road, knowing you have brought yourself to that place of isolation and yet finding some sort of comfort in the fact that no one is expecting you home at any time. to be alone is to stand on the inside of the white picket fence watching moms with strollers, dads with ratty baseball hats, and sticky Popsicle mouthed tots on tricycles blur by.

but you know what? to be alone is almost a relief, understanding that you are really protecting the ones you truly love from your destructive nature.

to be restless is to turn your music loud enough to drown out your thoughts, but no amount of pure volume will be enough to numb your feelings. to be restless is to step into a room of your friends and after walking through the doorway, feeling the urgent itch to turn back around and retreat to a paint-chipped park bench alone with your thoughts.

to be restless is to see the world for what it really is-one fat empty lie. it's when we actually feel the need for fulfillment and satisfaction.

to be at peace is to walk in tall grass with the wind whipping at your white dress and hair while the hills and wildflowers compete for your awe. it is to lay your head down on soft, fluffy freshly-laundered white towels for a nap on the couch on a warm, carefree Sunday afternoon. it's the smell of fresh lemon blossoms meandering through the bright white kitchen.

but lately, peace has been more like swallows playing cops and robbers around the branches of the tree outside my window. i'm the cop chasing the robber, bobbing up and down and swerving around the tips of twigs and reaching my hands out only to catch maybe a feather or two from the peace that evades my heart.

to have hope is to cling to a bouquet of messily plucked daisies when the night strikes and the trail is unmarked. like a burning flame leading you on, it's something mysterious but benevolent, all at once.

honestly, to have hope is to pour out everything you have into another, and even after pouring out everything you have until there's nothing left, it's dying to yourself again and finding that there's still just a little bit more in you to be poured out.

But maybe this isn't what it's really supposed to mean. Maybe we were supposed to be whole, that perhaps we have been broken all the while without realizing it. Maybe my purpose here isn't done yet. Maybe instead of God changing my circumstances, what is really needed is a change of heart. A change of pace, change of perspective a little. Maybe God still needs me here, in this place of brokenness in which I have found my home. Maybe He's not done breaking me yet...

"To be alive is to be broken. And to be broken is to stand in need of grace."-Brennan Manning

dying

2010-06-25T03:40:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I went to a church in Honolulu. The pastor was talking about gifts, but my mind was on death. Specifically, when the pastor asked if anyone in the audience wanted to accept Christ, and one person did. He said to repeat what he said, and he prayed to receive Christ and leave his old life behind. But the rest of us, not knowing if we were supposed to repeat after him or not, ended up just repeating the same prayer. It struck me at first as funny, since we've already accepted Jesus into our hearts, so we didn't need to be praying about wanting to become a new creation and to leave the old life behind, but I realized that it's as necessary to life-long believers as well as new believers to consciously declare that the old has gone and the new has come.

Every day it's a conscious decision to surrender ourselves. And the best part? When we surrender, we actually win, because we know how the world is going to end. To quote Jim Elliot, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose."

It is a conscious decision to let old bones be and to move on in our new lives.

It is a conscious decision to face truth and deal with consequences.

But there is no better reward than the assurance of freedom, grace, mercy, love and intimacy with God as a result of our conscious death.

hard

2010-06-24T03:27:00.000-07:00

Why are relationships so hard?

I often tell people, when asked about my experiences with EPIC, that EPIC is my biggest heartbreak and my biggest joy. Shoot, I don't have time for a boyfriend when EPIC consumes my heart so much.

There are people in EPIC that I'm really close to, but when those relationships aren't right, it affects my entire countenance.

I think my biggest thing is that I often feel like I am asked to love extravagantly without anything in return. I feel like I pursue people and it is fruitless. I feel like I try to invest in people, but they won't let me. I think what makes it so frustrating is that it takes so much for me to not ask people for the love that I desire to experience, because I don't want to come off as needy or high maintenance. And it's frustrating because I don't feel loved by the way they show their care for me, but at the same time, the lack of connection I feel with them could be chalked up to my not loving them in the way that they feel loved by. There's definitely two sides in this, but I feel so silenced because I don't feel like I can voice this without them seeing me as annoying or self-centered.

touch

2010-06-19T10:32:00.000-07:00

Just one touch. That's all it would take.

I am so, so convinced that if everyone were to experience God intimately, their lives would never be the same. I honestly think it is impossible for people to intimately experience the Lord and NOT be changed.

And I think once we've experienced intimacy with Him, it spawns an insatiable appetite for more of God.

I want/need/love intimacy with my Lord, my Savior, my Husband.

encouragement

2010-06-19T00:49:00.001-07:00

Sorry guys, I know I haven't been able to sit down and write a proper post, so for now, someone else's words will have to do:

Holy Spirit manifest your being
Comfort this soul,
So that I can start singing of that peaceful feeling that any minute now you’ll be bringing
Grace grows in winter I am told
But that’s not what I want to hear right now, truth be known
It’s you Father that I desire
So put out this unholy fire
And set ablaze me anew
With a peace that comes only from you
Where else can I turn and what else may I do?
Here I am…
Yours!
Here I am…
Yours!
Here I am…
Yours!
-Bradley Hathaway

finals

2010-06-09T23:50:00.000-07:00

Broken and lost, I come
I've lost sight of You, I must confess
But You haven't lost sight of me
Wounded and tired, I come
Feeling so weak, I must confess
You are the strength I need
In my weakness You are strong
and Lord, You've been there all along
and You wait for me to give You all I am

So Lord, I'm giving You my heart
I long for Your embrace
Can I find the love You give
Can I lose myself in grace
I surrender once again to my Father and my Friend
Lord, I'm giving You my heart

It is You I seek
All the strength I need
In all my ways, I acknowledge You
-Irvington

unfolding

2010-05-25T00:44:00.000-07:00

2 Corinthians 4 talks about experiencing trial and torture and general hardships in our lives while keeping a Godly attitude. I will be the first to admit that a lot of times, my initial response isn't always Godly; it's usually far from. We looked at this chapter in Bible study last week, and I loved how convicting it was, but in such an encouraging way, I felt so beloved by the Lord in the midst of His correction.

Verses 16-18 really resonated with me. "So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."

Did you catch that? Not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. That means that every single day, God's grace is new, and there's more that He reveals to us with each new morning. Every day is another petal that unfurls the brilliance of the full flower open in its radiant beauty. How blessed are those who catch the sight of the face of the flower!

sigh

2010-05-18T20:37:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like nothing is going my way. You know? But the only thing I can claim hold of, the one thing in this world that I know belongs to me and can never be taken away by anyone is my salvation. Because it was never mine to take in the first place. It's almost like any claim on my salvation is invalid because my claim on salvation was never valid to begin with.

When I feel like I can't keep anything together, when I feel like I can't do anything right and I fail at all my relationships, when I feel like I have no one I can trust, the only thing that is solid rock beneath my feet is the love of Christ. And it is upon His grace and His mercy that I can even find my footing. The only place I can stand, the only place that is truly safe and secure. The only place I can truly call my own.

And it is here that I can boast in my weaknesses, because I know I am being made strong through my weaknesses solely because of the power of the living God which resides in me through the Holy Spirit. And if anything about me can serve to bring glory to God, the only one worthy of any praise, then I will boast all the more in Him.

realize

2010-05-07T02:37:00.000-07:00

I've been realizing that I really don't like it when people perceive me as unGodly. I don't mind being wrong but I really mind if people think that I am not representing Christ well, when they should really know me and my heart and what I stand for. I feel almost hurt by their lack of faith in me, and I then begin to distrust them. This erects a barrier on my part, and then these people are further removed from my life and judge all my actions as unGodly, and it becomes self-perpetuating.

I just hate that I can't figure out how to break the cycle.

owls

2010-04-30T12:31:00.000-07:00

Probably one of the most adorable iterations of owl jewelry I've ever seen! $145 at Etsy.

iconic

2010-04-23T11:11:00.000-07:00

People tell me I have the style of a grandma. I honestly have no problem with that. I love vintage items, and fashion from the past decades.

As we know, I love me some spectator shoes. What else do I love? Here's my list of iconic fashion that I want to own before I die:

-Hermes Regina scarf

-Chanel bag

-Christian Louboutin nude heels

-Chanel ballet flats

-Burberry trench coat

-Ray-Ban sunglasses

It will probably take me a lifetime to afford all of these iconic pieces, so it's safe to say my timeline for accumulating these goods will be slow. But oh, I can't wait for the day when I own that Chanel bag!

right

2010-04-18T20:29:00.000-07:00

To be right or to be wrong?

Sometimes it's neither. Sometimes you're right, and it's good. Sometimes you're wrong, and you have to humble yourself. But you know what is the most humbling? When you're right and you still have to humble yourself in order to salvage a relationship.

sunset

2010-04-15T00:52:00.000-07:00

Eph 4:26
"Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger."

One of the best verses (and life lessons) my dad taught me. You just feel a bazillion times better when you make amends. Personally, my anger evaporates pretty quickly. Once I get some distance from the hot topic, I usually can see a) the error in my actions b) the error in my judgments/words c)my correctness in my words and actions, but decide that the relationship with that person is way more important than me being right. And I take immediate steps to apologize or just clear the air as soon as possible.

This happened tonight with my roomies. I can't tell you how much I love them and how grateful I am that I followed the advice with this situation (although it was extremely minor...they didn't even know I was angry). I just feel so much better and they just feel loved. Yay.

reminisce

2010-04-12T17:29:00.000-07:00

I used to love white conch shells. The way they looked, as if God had conjured up the prettiest sand, created a twister to form its shape, and then tapped it with His magic wand to turn it the most brilliant shade of white with sparkling tones of palest pink inside just for me. I was captivated by its beauty. I could have been content to stare at it for hours, literally, when I was 12. It was like a private moment between me and God, kinda like the equivalent of a candlelit picnic dinner.

I didn't even read Lord of the Flies until was 15. I honestly just loved white conch shells. But in the book, the shell symbolized purity, goodness, innocence and humanity.

When I was 16, I think I left childhood. I dealt with things far beyond my maturity level, or even my scope of maturity level. I grappled, really wrestled, with the concept of faith and God. I questioned life.

How fitting that when I turned 17, I felt like I had outgrown the shells. Their beauty was no longer radiant to me, but just another object in life. Don't get me wrong, I still thought they were pretty, but there was no more magic for me.

And now? Now that I am 19, when I look at conch shells, all I can see is a fragmented and distorted image of my reflection.

likes

2010-04-10T12:57:00.001-07:00

-grandma cardigans
-spectator shoes
-ruffles
-lace
-dark wash skinny jeans
-bows
-vintage buttons
-filigree
-puppies
-smiles
-sushi
-summer days
-sunsets over the ocean
-flowers in girls' hair
-the color of Tiffany blue
-redwood trees
-Santa Barbara
-history and culture

lessons

2010-04-08T17:33:00.000-07:00

Here are a few of my own life lessons that I've learned at the ripe age of 19:

-Pray big, get big. Pray small, get small. Our God is big. Really big. Really really really big. If you ask boldly for what you want, it will be given to you. But if you limit God and only ask for a small thing, you'll only get a small thing.

-Something is better than nothing. This applies to so much in life. If you're trying to save money, save something, whether it be $100 or $10, because $10 is still better than saving nothing. If you're studying, better to study only 10 minutes than not at all.

-Focus on the big, forget the little. We have limited resources, and too many options on how to use those resources. If you don't have enough time, prioritize your options and focus on the top 3. If you don't have much spending money, prioritize your wants and spend your money there.

-Don't plan your 100th birthday party until you're 99. In other words, don't be so set in your future. Look forward to the future and plan for it, but don't hold on to your plans too tightly.

And here, just for my own controversial pleasure, is my opinion on how to fix the water crisis that is hitting the West coast and Southwest US (I just read an article about this, so I'm in a ranting mood).

TAKE OUT YOUR LAWNS! Instead, sculpt a beautiful garden with plants that require minimal watering. I just don't understand why we all need green lawns. I'd much rather have that clear, cool drinking water for humans.

unabashed

2010-04-05T09:15:00.001-07:00

I like emo music.

So sue me.

money

2010-04-03T13:16:00.000-07:00

"Two things I ask of you, O LORD;
do not refuse me before I die:

Keep falsehood and lies far from me;
give me neither poverty nor riches,
but give me only my daily bread.

Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you
and say, 'Who is the LORD ?'
Or I may become poor and steal,
and so dishonor the name of my God."
-Proverbs 30:7-9

I would like that to be my prayer.

confessions

2010-03-31T02:07:00.001-07:00

I'm really only strong because I am so weak.

I'm really only so confident because I'm secretly insecure.

I'm really only a cynic because I was such a strong optimist.

I'm really only loving because I've had my heart broken.

Through all of this, I'm learning that just because our God gives us grace doesn't mean we escape discipline. When God disciplines us, our punishment is His grace shown to us in tangible form. What a privilege it is to be able to say that our God loves us enough to give us a spanking when we need it! His discipline is proof of His great love for us.

magical

2010-03-28T22:49:00.000-07:00

It's these damn concerts that bring out the dreamer in me.

I just love it. I love how the music invades every part of me; the bass vibrating in my chest, the guitars swirling like some kind of mellifluous magic in my ear. I love that it makes me forget everything in life and takes me back to my safe place. When I was young and life wasn't so great, and I would seclude myself for hours in my musical escape.

I wasn't so cynical then. I believed in things like love and freedom and all those other ideals of youth.

I was just waiting for it all to happen me. I waited for my release and I waited for love to find me and free me. And I guess somewhere between then and now, I've lost that childlike wonder.

It was nice to return to that naivety.

short

2010-03-28T17:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we can get so caught up in the long term, that we forget the importance of the short term. For instance, I realize I need to go to class because it will help me learn, which will help me get better grades, which will help me get a better job. However, I don't think it's too bad to simply skip a class on a beautiful spring day to go to the beach and hang out with your friends that will be graduating this year. I think there needs to be a balance, and sometimes I'm pressured to look past short term pleasures and focus only on the long term.

evaporate

2010-03-25T00:26:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how far 1.5 years can bring you. Where there was once hate, bitterness, and helplessness, there is now compassion, understanding, and pity. Amazing what a life given over to the Lord can do.

donate

2010-03-24T14:28:00.001-07:00

Support me on my 7 weeks missions trip to Hawaii with Campus Crusade for Christ!
Anything and everything helps!

Or buy my stuff here:

demi

2010-03-24T01:55:00.001-07:00

Mini rant: I hate how expensive personal grooming is. I just spent $100 on facial products and necessities (a sun protection kit, wax, etc) and I just feel so disgruntled. These marketers are totally capitalizing on the "youth in a jar" promises. My skin better look like this when I'm in my 50's:

I'm just saying...

disheartening

2010-03-18T18:37:00.001-07:00

Doesn't anybody stay together anymore?

I feel like the older I get, the more inclined I am to believe that life long love just doesn't happen anymore. No one stays married. People can't work our their crap. Divorce isn't just an option, it's the destination every marriage is headed to.

I just feel so discouraged. People don't know how to love, or are too selfish to love.

The older I get, the more I am starting to believe I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. And I would rather be single forever than to get married and get divorced, so don't think it's sad or depressing for me to want to stay single.

grow

2010-03-17T02:35:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I just need to grow up. Sometimes my own selfishness surprises even me.

I wish I could just turn all my emotions off. I wish I wasn't so needy.

I think I need to learn how to be content with the unfairness of life.

spectators

2010-03-15T16:35:00.001-07:00

I know, I haven't been posting many serious posts. But I'm currently LOVING spectator shoes. It all started with J Crew's Penelope shoes, which I love in navy,
but black and white is fabulous, too.

Seychelles does a lovely grey and gold version:

By the way, if I haven't mentioned it before (and I don't think I have), I LOVE Seychelle's vintage styling. All their shoes make me drool. I just wish they were more comfortable. =[

And one more pair that's not a spectator style, but I have to post because I find them irresistible! I'm such a sucker for shoes that are 1. nude 2. t-strap and especially 3. both

from modcloth.com

fyi

2010-03-05T22:56:00.001-08:00

I will never become an accountant.

dreams

2010-03-04T15:57:00.000-08:00

Nighttime is always most conducive to day dreaming. I couldn't sleep until 5 last night, because new inspirations kept coming to me. All my glorious business ideas (yes, I dream of business ideas) and marketing strategies process themselves so seamlessly.

Here's my problem: by daylight, I have found enough reasons to talk myself out of almost every idea. How do I maintain my passion from the night before, and turn it into motivation to actually act on my ideas?

why

2010-03-02T19:24:00.001-08:00

Why can't people just play nice? Life is just so unfair sometimes.

kissing

2010-02-24T23:57:00.000-08:00

I have a new conviction. After hearing this really great sermon by a pastor at Reality in Santa Barbara, I've decided to save kissing for my wedding. I don't think it's glorifying to God. All it does is lead to temptation. And yes, while it may be an expression of love, and it's certainly fun, I just think it's more important to guard your heart and mind. All the physical pleasure can come later.

frankie

2010-02-22T18:51:00.000-08:00

As a lot of you probably know, I totally love Frankie B jeans. They fit me so well (which is nearly impossible when you're of my stature). I found this video which cleverly communicates what type of "lifestyle" this brand wants to represent. This is their target consumer.

swoon

2010-02-21T00:22:00.000-08:00

Oh, Lordy. I can't believe I resisted watching The Notebook for so long. I FINALLY saw it on TV tonight, and oh my goodness. I am winded. It just took my breath away (hah, yes I was going for cheesy). Man. Makes me love love. Makes me believe in romantic love-that some people can still make a marriage work.

Ok, enough estrogen.

swimsuits

2010-02-10T00:51:00.000-08:00

Anthropologie never disappoints.

Bolts-Of-Lightning Maillot $168

Ebbing Tide Maillot $178

Lake Ripples One-Piece $168

If you're wondering why they're all one pieces, I will admit that I'm all for bikinis and tanned tummies, but I'm considering going on summer project to Hawaii for seven weeks, and I've been informed that there is a dress code for swimwear. I'm trying to decide between the first two swimsuits, although I do love the classiness of the last one. Not sure if I have the height to pull off the second one, even though I am in lust over it.

pathetic

2010-02-08T23:39:00.000-08:00

That is how I feel. Like no matter what I do, I am letting someone down. Or I am hurting someone I care about.

Why is living so hard sometimes.

I can't balance my life anymore. Ugh.

feed

2010-02-06T16:41:00.000-08:00

Why do girls feed off of each other so much? It's like everything is just heightened by a group of talkative girls. It's funny because our way of comforting one another kind of encourages negativity or a sense of entitlement to feel however you feel. Maybe we have too much grace with each other and not enough truth.

Something convicting: When it comes to things God despises, gossip is mentioned more times than murder in Psalms. My friend posted that on facebook, and it convicted me as soon as I saw it.

I think with me, I struggle with gossip simply because EPIC is a small group of people, so we're all up in each other's business. I never intend for people to be hurt by what I say, and for the most part I'm pretty careful about not letting stuff slip. But I hate it when something has happened that affects me and my emotions, because I feel like I'm put in a tricky place-do I keep my emotions to myself and not talk it over with anyone simply because I want to protect the other person? Or do I place my emotions before the situation and just talk about it and get it all out?

It's hard because I know it's healthy to talk about how I'm feeling, but it's such a fine line between that and gossip. I think I'll spend my entire life trying to figure how to balance this one out.

value

2010-02-01T02:17:00.000-08:00

Ramit Sethi is offering a course on freelancing at www.earn1k.com/join and I've been really tempted to join the program. The only catch? The $500 price tag. Ouch.

Here's why I think it will be worth it:
1. As a Business student, Ramit has taught me much more about business, specifically marketing, than my professors have! Don't get me wrong, college is great and all, and I have learned a lot from my courses and textbooks, but Ramit pushes me a step further by helping me figure out how to apply the basics to every day life situations. Ramit > college
2. Ramit's no BS attitude, as well as his extremely straightforward, pragmatic approach to pretty much everything is perfect for my kinesthetic learning style. My professors just make me read...gag me.
3. I trust Ramit. Based on his preview lesson sample, I can tell the material is pretty much top-notch stuff. It's quality information and tips, not just "get rich quick" crap. He's also credible (NY Times bestseller, etc)
4. This is the MAIN reason why I believe this course will be worth the hefty price tag. All the tips and lessons will inspire me. Passion is what drives my life. When I feel like I have no purpose, I get depressed really easily, really deeply. Inspiration is invaluable. I know I'll do what it takes to achieve my goals, so long as I have the passion to see my goals realized. Essentially, I'm paying for inspiration, creativity, and motivation.

sick

2010-01-24T23:59:00.001-08:00

and busy. Just because I haven't been able to post doesn't mean I haven't wanted to. My life just seems really consumed by...living haha.

A couple of things I've been thinking about lately. First, I feel more and more averse to wanting to be in a relationship. At EPIC conference (which was amazing, by the way), I just felt so thankful to be single. Furthermore, I felt like being in a relationship and eventually being married and having kids would inhibit me from being as sold out for the Gospel as I feel I am now. I mean, if I was married and had kids, I couldn't just peace out for 7 weeks to go on a summer project, now could I? Sometimes I wish I could just live my life the way things are forever.

The other thing I've been thinking about, is that maybe I'm not really called on summer project. A lot of people have talked to me about going, and I definitely feel some peer pressure to go. But I don't want to go because of people thinking that I should; I want to go because God wants me to go. People said I should go last year, but I went to Mt Hermon. And I totally believe that God could have taught me a lot about ministry had I gone last summer, but I think where I was at last year, I needed to deal with my own personal demons before growing more. I think this summer I'm more ready, but at the same time, I haven't felt the personal call to go. I'm totally open to going, but we'll have to see.

freakin'

2010-01-12T23:23:00.000-08:00

Ughhh. I'm feeling so stressed. There's just so much going on. I feel like I have so many obligations. There's just so much I want to do, and so little time. I don't want to give up anything (haha except maybe my IT class...) and so I'm just stuck scrambling around and feeling like I'm going nowhere fast.

I just don't understand what my IT professor wants from me. I feel so over my head, because I have absolutely no technical knowledge whatsoever. How the heck are there no pre-req's for this class?? Ahhhhh.

Ok rant over. Time to think of the positives.

EPIC conference this weekend! Woohoo!
I LOVE my marketing class! So much fun.
And I love my life.

That is all.

porn

2010-01-09T02:21:00.000-08:00

I love sad songs. One of my favorite bands has a song called "Dating a Porn Star." It is a crushingly beautiful song. It's sung from the boyfriend's perspective. It talks about the tragedy of how young women today have little to no respect for themselves, and they give themselves away so easily, too easily. Here's my favorite verse:

The strip club crowd looks like a sad constellation
But I hold your heart like the sky holds the moon
I'm cast down outside 'cause they don't allow boyfriends
Star won't you tell me you're coming home soon

It's a total parallel to Hosea, which is what I've been going over lately. And consequently, a parallel to how God loves us. Even if people take advantage of us and cheapen us to worthlessness, and even if we begin to believe that we are nothing more than just pawns in a chess game, God holds our hearts like the sky holds the moon. And He loves us so tenderly and waits for us to come back to Him.

Oh, the song is by The Weepies. Check it out, yo.