Sunday, March 11, 2012

recover

After an extremely emotionally charged weekend, I spent all day today just recovering.

I think that I feel really sad for myself. It's like I'm viewing myself as another person and I'm empathizing with myself...is this what they call self-pity? Ha. But I think I feel really sad at the thought of me believing that my current state of mind is how I would define "good" and "healthy," when really, I am anything but. I am so, so broken. And it makes me sad to think about the treatment I've received from people that have led me to the place I'm in. I'm sad that people would treat me so carelessly. I am sad because I think I know that in the depths of me, I know that I was created to experience relationships so much more fulfilling than this. I'm sad thinking about the degraded love I've become accustomed to and eventually accepted as normal. I think there is just so much more fullness and richness that the Lord desires to show me, and it's sad that I almost don't believe in it.

I'm also sad that, somewhere along the past 21 years, I think I've started believing that my worth is correlated to how people treat me. I'm sad that I don't ever feel like I'm safe to be me without the fear of rejection.

This is an ongoing process for me. I can't wait until I see God's redemption.

Ps 80:3 Restore us, O God; let your face shine, that we may be saved!
Ps 27:13 I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

open

Lately, I feel like my eyes have been opening to the reality of my brokenness. Sometimes we just get so good at pretending we're fine, that we start denying that there's something wrong in us. We get used to our lies.

I count it as a blessing that God has been tenderly bringing certain issues to the surface of my awareness. I truly believe God desires to show these shortcomings of mine in order for me to grow in my understanding of Him and His nature, as well as for me to grow as a better lover of people.

But for now, I just feel incredibly humbled, sometimes foolish, a little ashamed, and kind of frustrated with myself.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

groups

The older I get, the more I realize that I dislike being in big groups. I think it's because I never feel like my voice is heard. I feel like I start shrinking.