Wednesday, September 30, 2009


Because of my body issues lately, I've been really scared. I don't know what's going on with my body and it freaks me out. I've lost weight, and for weighing barely more than 100 pounds, losing any weight, no matter how little, is not good. =[

I've turned to a few of my friends who are nutrition majors for advice. I've also turned to one of my close friends, who's a Bio major and whose dad is a doctor. As he was explaining to me what his best guess was, I realized that I trusted him implicitly. I would have believed anything he said. It was almost scary realizing how much I trusted him.

And it struck me-why can't I trust God that implicitly? The God who created me, who called me to follow and love Him, who has a plan for my life, is inherently good, and is a thousand times more accredited to tell me what's going on with my body than any earthly doctor. Why can I not trust Him? Is it because I can't hear His voice? Or is it because I'm choosing not to listen?

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


Never did I think I would get to the point where I had to plan out when and what to eat. I never thought I would one day have to force myself to eat.

I don't know what's going on with my body-but I SWEAR I am not anorexic; I do NOT have an eating disorder. I have a healthy and positive self-image, and I am not overly concerned with my weight. And yet, the past few days have been horrible. I've been shakey and lightheaded, slightly nauseous and weak. And it's all because I haven't been eating, really. My body needs more calories than I'm letting in.

But when I try to eat, I just...I can't do it. It took me over an hour to eat 3/4 of a banana yesterday. The smell of food makes my stomach turn-I want to gag.

I think part of the reason why this came about is because when I'm with people, or when I'm just busy, I have little regard for my body. I am so afraid of inconveniencing people around me, that I just tell my stomach to suck it up and wait it out. And then by the time I get home, it's too late for me to just go and make something to eat, because it's not healthy to eat late at night, right? And then I don't eat breakfast in the morning, because I'm too "busy." So basically, I eat two meals a day, but my stomach has shrunk since summer, so I can barely force down anything during lunch and dinner.

I need to start making time for me. Last night, I wrote out what I was going to eat for breakfast and stuck it on my laptop. It sucks, knowing I have to actually plan what I'm going to eat, but hopefully this strategy will keep me strong and healthy.

Sigh. So sad.

Sunday, September 27, 2009


Congratulate me. I just posted my 200th blog on myspace, my original blog. Actually, that's a lie. I started blogging on xanga before myspace, but myspace is where I feel I hit my writing stride.

I also have 198 blog comments. I'm just barely outpacing my blog commentors. So sad! If you're reading this, and you read my myspace blog, please leave me a comment! (Actually, just 2 is all I need to feel satisfied, hah.) Actually, the reason for that is, in my opinion, due to the fact that I post a lot of private blogs. Sorry guys, but sometimes I have to keep my honesty to myself.

I also have about 9,000 blog views! Amazing, huh? And kinda creepy...but still cool.


Read this.

Saturday, September 26, 2009


I was having dinner with a friend, and he mentioned how withdrawing money from the ATM when you don't have an income is probably the worst feeling ever.

I totally agree. Ugh. Getting used to bi-monthly deposits into my checking account and watching the amount accrue has probably been one of the most rewarding moments of my short life, hah. I think I'm addicted-I love making money.

It's unfortunate that life costs soooooo much. As much as I love saving money, I love spending it, too. Sometimes you just can't escape costs-I was frantically trying to run around getting units, and after I added a class last-minute, I had to buy the book for it. Also, I was planning on borrowing my friend's book for another class of mine. Unfortunately, our teacher decided to update the curriculum with a new textbook (different publisher, etc, not just a revised edition) and so I ended up buying two textbooks brand spankin' new from Amazon with rush shipping. Goodbye, $300. So sad.

On the less-necessary side of expenditures, as it's the first few weeks of school, I've been buying a lot of things in bulk that will last for a while, but the up-front cost means this month's budget is kaput, pretty much. And, I've been eating out for like, every meal. So bad, I know. That's an area that I really need to work on. My friend suggested planning out a weekly menu and then going grocery shopping for each meal weekly. Once I get my lazy booty cracking on that, hopefully I can watch my food budget diminish.

Or. I just need to find a job.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


No, really, I kinda am. Hah. I've been recognizing the Holy Spirit moving in me. It wasn't until very recently that I realized not everyone understood things as acutely or as completely as I do. I seriously thought it was just normal to "feel" what other people are thinking. Not speaking...thinking. I know what they're thinking, but it's not like their head turns into an open book that I'm reading. The knowledge comes in the form of a feeling. Like a total package of their feelings that's been emptied onto me, and I see what they're thinking, feeling, and the reason behind it.

Sometimes, I also have deep feelings for what will happen in the future, before they come true.

Not only that, but in certain cases, I feel so drawn to someone, I start to know what they're doing, what they're going to say, and where they're going to be. Last quarter, there was someone I was really drawn to/burdened for, and some days I would wake up knowing I was going to run into that person.

Sorry if this sounds super creepy. It kinda does, haha. But now that I've recently gotten in touch with the charismatic inside of me, I'm learning to recognize acts of the Holy Spirit. I seriously thought these things were normal; that these "feelings" happened to everyone.

I take it as confirmation of God dwelling in me. It's pretty reassuring. Now I just need to make sure I'm not bragging about it. Oh, I am so prone to pride. Help me, Jesus.

Sunday, September 20, 2009


It's been a long time since I've fantasized about a fairy tale. I'm talking full on, everything-works-out-so-perfectly-it-must-have-been-staged-or-written-by-Disney fairy tales.

I feel so cynical nowadays. I believe that fairy tales happen, but I also believe in hard work in relationships. Love is a choice, not simply a feeling. It's also more powerful as a choice. But I question if my cynicism has crushed hope.

I feel like I am outside of the castle moat. I feel like I will never have my happy ending. I feel more like the ugly stepsister than Cinderella.

My poor future husband. He's going to have to make me believe I'm living out my happy ending with him.


Lately, there's been a lot of relationship drama around me. Not necessarily drama, because I feel like people are handling things maturely, but there's a lot of hurt flying around right now.

Today, I had a one on one with a dear friend of mine. She expressed that she was feeling sad, like her heart was just stuck and tight, like tears were stuck in her chest, waiting to come out but locked within. I told her I wish I could say something to make the sadness go away, but I could only offer understanding that I've been there, too. I told her that we just have to let emotions run their course. I directed her to pour it all out to God, because it's best to be honest about how we feel.

But as I was telling her to give it up to the Lord, I realized that the Church today glamorizes quiet times, implying that if we only give God an hour or two of our focused attention, we'll automatically feel better. God is not necessarily logical. There have been so many times when I've felt just defeated; totally at the edge of myself. I've given myself and my emotions up in earnest, heartfelt prayer, and not felt fulfilled when I'm done praying. Sometimes, I even feel worse afterward. Just because we decide to give up ourselves doesn't mean He's going to make us feel better because of our faithfulness. At least, not immediately.

But that's where faith comes in, right? We trust that although we are blind, God is leading us out of the valleys, up to the mountaintops. As long as we trust that God is good, those moments of despair, of crushed hope and devastated spirits, become okay.

I listened to John Mark McMillian's How He Loves again today. The first two lines go, "He is jealous for me/Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree." I think when we consider God's intense, all-consuming love for us, pain makes more sense. He loves us so much, and when we twist his blessings into a cursed idol, God can't bear being apart from us, so He rips that idol away.

Saturday, September 19, 2009


I had a conversation with a dear friend earlier this evening. I was trying to verbalize some mixed feelings I was having about my role in ministry. As I was trying to clarify what I felt, I ended up describing to her what my ultimate desire is, for whatever God has gifted and called me to do.

I want my body to be a big glass box. Follow me, here. I desire to be made of pure, Windex-shiny glass with a light inside of me that is radiating brilliance in all directions out of me. I want everyone to look at me and only see God. I want to be transparent, completely see-through. I want myself out of the picture; I want no glory. I want every action, every thought, every word to reflect the inner light I have.

Her response was reassuring for me. Basically, I was on the fence about having a title in ministry because I felt it would be good for me to focus my passion on something specific, but I was so afraid I would make it about myself and my pride. My friend explained that because of my desire to glorify God, I was already glorifying God because I was seeking after His heart. It's pretty cool to think about; I liked her spin on it. Just the desire to glorify God is in and of itself, glorifying Him.

Friday, September 11, 2009


I'm a few days behind in posting. Having your laptop crap out on you does that. Not that I'm equating my laptop to crap, because i <3 my macbook. =] Fortunately, everything got fixed so I'm back up and running.

I've spent the past few days at home, thoroughly enjoying waking up late, using internet past midnight, hanging out with friends I haven't seen since spring break/Christmas. And, of course, Asian food! Ahhh, bliss. My parents took me out for seafood dinners not once but TWICE this week!

I just finished loading the car, and I'm leaving for SLO in an hour or so! Woohoo! I can't wait to get back to Poly. I'm itching to see everyone!

Monday, September 7, 2009


My friend posted a link on facebook. It was a blog entry that Jaeson Ma wrote, chronicling the spirit of revival that fell on UCLA in 2006.

Such an inspiring article!

It got me thinking, though. He mentions being led by the spirit multiple times. It makes me wonder why, in modern Americanized Christianity, mention of the Holy Spirit is pretty much limited to studies and sermons on the book of Acts. Why is that? We totally limit or underemphasis the power of the Holy Spirit. And yet it is through this divine spirit that God's power can be made known to us and through us. So why is there so little spoken about it?

This year, I want to learn more about the Holy Spirit.

Sunday, September 6, 2009


What, you may ask, determines a bestie? A bestie, by definition, is someone of the opposite sex who is your best friend. We all have one!

My bestie? I have multiple, but this entry, in particular is devoted to a certain one I affectionately refer to as Cougar. When I was thinking up what to write about for the day's blog entry, I asked him for help. I was debating writing something about my preference for bottled water and my rationalizations behind the economical and ecological repercussions. He nixed it, saying it only seemed "moderately entertaining." When pressed for a more entertaining topic, he stalled, and I came up with the brilliant idea of writing about him! So, bestie, this one's for you.

Top 10 Reasons Why My Bestie Is Better Than Yours (with help from a mutual friend who shares my bestie with me)
1. He helps us understand the phenomenon which is known as a man crush/bromance (if you're wondering, his bromance is with his golf coach).
2. Provides endless hours of free entertainment from his sarcastic wit and unparalleled eyebrow raises
3. Provides even more entertainment from his delightful quotes, usually heightened by slight inebriation ("It's because I'm an ISTJ.")
4. Although he gets confused with clockwise and counterclockwise, he can tell left from right, sometimes, if his watch is flat and facing up, not down (what?)
5. He offers educational entertainment as well, doubling as a nature guide whilst walking through forests ("This is where Frodo Baggins lives.")
6. He takes us to cool places, like Pismo Beach and the zoo!
7. He can roll his R's
8. He enjoys playing with his sister's pet chinchilla, even when it is "fussy"
9. Provides everyone with free pork from his manly hunting hobby
10. He genuinely cares about and listens to us while maintaining his "bankroll" in several online poker sit and go tournaments.

And there you have it, folks! I love my bestie!

Saturday, September 5, 2009


I've been looking around at different investment options lately. It frustrates me that CD's are seen as "safe" investments! Um, newsflash: there's a risk in everything you do with your money! If the interest rate on your cd is less than the inflation rate for the time period, you've just lost money! To be precise, you're losing value on your money. Inflation is the devaluation of your money. While the monetary amount does increase, the actual purchasing power of your money decreases.

Especially now, as the American dollar is poised to plummet into practically worthlessness, opening up CD's to store your money while the economy "turns around" seems like an extremely stupid thing to do. Inflation is going to outpace your rate of interest.

My solution? Invest in mutual funds and stocks, and then hold on tight, because you're hopping on a roller coaster. Wait it out (think long term, not short) and you'll be able to not just match inflation, but earn money, too.

Friday, September 4, 2009


Last night, I was lying in bed contemplating all the regular stuff-you know, reflecting on how my day went, if I would have done anything differently, the meaning of life, all the light stuff. I got to thinking about the absurdity of sin. Sin, as defined by a humanly act that is displeasing to God, causes separation from God. If God is life, then to separate from God is to go in the opposite direction of life, which is death.

We knowingly condemn ourselves to death.

Every single time we lie, we die.

Imagine you are a defendant in a murder trial. You have all the evidence stacked against you, and even worse, you really did kill someone, and aren't even remorseful! The judge, being a good and fair judge, condemns you to death for death. It's easy to pick a more extreme case and say, "Well I'm not that bad; I've never killed someone." But you have certainly told a lie, and the hard part to wrap our infinitesimal brains around is that the act of lying is essentially the same as murder. Both are displeasing to God. If God is our judge, He has every right to try us every time we lie, and even more right to condemn us to death.

But as C.S. Lewis writes in his excellent The Great Divorce, it is we who do the condemning, not God. It is we who gleefully smirk at the seeming joy of doing that which our Lord finds vile. And He heartbreakingly allows us to do what we like.

When we understand free will (not that I'm saying I fully do, and probably won't ever), we can better understand and gain scope of the price it costs to save us, to save me. In every single courtroom trial, your defense lawyer insists on taking the sentence. And every time we lie, hate, steal, lust, kill, we are brought to another trial in which our D.A. agrees to serving another life sentence for our actions.


Thursday, September 3, 2009


Yes, I realize how omnipresent this potent little berry is. The acai berry (pronounced ah-sigh-ee) has been increasingly popular in the US over the past few years (thank you, Oprah). Imported from Brazil in smoothie mix form, acai has tons of antioxidant properties.

The reason why I'm talking about it? Because today, I went to Cafe Brasil in Santa Cruz and ordered their acai bowl-the perfect antidote for a 100 degrees, blisteringly hot day.

It looked something like this:


The acai bowl features the acai smoothie mixed with apple juice and ice, with a thick layer of the most amazing vanilla almond granola (organic, of course-this is Santa Cruz, people), and artfully topped with sliced strawberries and bananas.


Wednesday, September 2, 2009


I love personality tests. Love em. But this is the first type of personality test I've taken that relies on visual profiling! Take it for yourself and see what I mean!

I really love this innovative personality test. My result was "Sofisticat."

"You're stylish with a strong sense of design (true) and a taste for the finer things in life (oxymoronic because I love simplicity too). You're culturally curious (somewhat), enjoy rich experiences (more like rich conversations), and love to be pampered (eh, i don't like the focus to be on me). Passionate and enthusiastic (spot on), you like to share your love of the world around you. For kicks, nothing beats good times with your best friends in the world (so true). You are caring and generous and love to be spoiled a bit from time to time too (yup). You really value your quiet time (really value may be an understatement-it's more like I need it to breathe)-to recharge and reconnect with yourself. You're not afraid to take yourself away from the crowd to explore your imagination alone (I am quite the loner). Spirituality is an important part of your life (again, gross understatement). You appreciate the inner strength and peace of mind that comes from achieving personal acceptance and understanding. When it comes to art, you appreciate precision and hard work (I love attention to details so much!). Nothing is more impressive than real craftsmanship (I agree)."

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


I am slightly obsessed with the idea of hanging lanterns for light. Since pictures are said to be worth a thousand words, I'm going to give you 3,000.

From Anthropologie's May catalog.

The Cathedral Lantern from Anthropologie $58

Tea Bowl Lanterns from Anthropologie $38