Thursday, August 16, 2012

nowhere

I feel like I don't belong here. Not just a physical, geographical place. But here, at this point in my life, surrounded with people around me.

I don't fit in. I think I take everything too seriously. Things that don't bother other people constantly overwhelm me. And when I bring it up, it's always because I've noticed the little things that have bothered me that others would just let go of, and so I am perceived as high maintenance or needy because other people are always "wronging" me.

Where can I go to get away with feeling like I'm a burden, nag, or an annoying little sibling? I hate it when people think I'm spoiled, but I also think I give them a lot of reason to think that.

I think it's really hard for me to find balance between independence and being overly needy.

But I think my biggest challenge is learning how to hold things loosely in my hand. I had a chat with a friend, and the recurring theme in his life right now is the posture with which he approaches his future. Heavily relying upon His promises and faithfulness with hope, but holding his life and his future loosely in his hand.

I think that's the place that I need to go. Constantly fearing for my future is exhausting.  Constantly fearing negative perception is exhausting.

I'm looking for a place of abundance.

Monday, August 6, 2012

faith

Hebrews 11:6 "And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him."

This whole move has been an exercise in faith. By faith, I've moved to SF, expecting God to provide for my needs, both financially and spiritually. But how do I live in the meantime? In the limbo stages, where I've taken a step, but don't currently have any prospects in front of me? 

I'm learning how to actively live by faith, and I think it starts with my attitude. I may not know exactly why I'm here in SF, but I know it's because God has called me here for a purpose, and it is for my good. I need to change my attitude from fearful to expectant, reminding myself of all the amazing ways God has provided for me thus far.