Life is tough sometimes. Thankfully, God is still good.
I'm writing this as my left ankle is swollen, elevated and freezing under a bag of frozen green beans. Just another incident in what has been the worst week to date of 2013.
After an exhausting week of technological difficulties at work, a public calling-out of a mistake made at work, and an overall sense of general discouragement and disappointment with myself that was topped off by me spraining my ankle Friday morning, I can honestly say that God's presence has been the only thing keeping me sane.
Monday was Reality's prayer night. I was struck by a prayer that Pastor Tarik shared: "We are reaping where we did not sow." He said this in regards to Reality's explosive growth in the past few years, but it felt so relevant to my life, personally.
The last few months, my coworker has been asking questions about God and spirituality. More specifically, he's been asking me why I believe in what I believe, and has even asked me to pray for him on multiple occasions. I was slightly crushed when he told me, two weeks ago, that he was quitting. His last day was yesterday. I felt like he was so close, and I didn't understand why God was bringing this person in which I've invested over the last few months, out of my life already. And I realized that God was saying that I got to help sow the seed, and someone else will reap where they didn't sow. Likewise, there are other people God has placed in my life around me where I will reap where I didn't sow-I will see God work in their lives in tremendous ways that previous believers have prayed for before I even knew that person. I feel so at peace now with my coworker leaving.
On Thursday, when I got chewed out by my boss, I felt so shaken and discouraged and kept wondering why I was even here at my office. I didn't (and still don't) feel like what I have to offer is a good fit for my role here. And then, I felt the Lord speaking gently but with so much truth and conviction, I knew I had to listen.
Why am I here, God? I have nothing to bring to this company. I keep making mistakes and I don't even really enjoy what I'm doing.
But who will go? Who then can I send? Who will represent me to these people?
And just as a person taking off a blindfold opens his eyes and has his sight restored to him, I felt like God opened my eyes to the bigger picture at work in my life. I was sent here. This is a divine mission, and earthly discouragements are not enough to persuade me to leave. This is my assignment for God's kingdom, and until I'm transferred elsewhere, this is where I will serve and love the lost.
(Not so) Coincidentally, on Thursday, my roommate and I decided to fast for certain nonbelievers in our lives. I have never fasted before, and doubted my ability to make it through without eating for a full day, but man, what a way to emphasize the fact that I'm there for souls, not finance. Every time my tummy growled, I would look over at my coworker and pray for him.
What a savior our Jesus is.
On Friday, I woke up and fell, spraining my ankle. At this point, I was starting to think that there was some kind of spiritual warfare going on. It was 2 of my coworkers' last days, and I wanted to spend time with them. I made it to work and to their happy hour afterwards. And again, God's grace was upon me-another coworker started opening up and sharing about his life to me. I invited him to church, and he agreed. There was another person we were sitting with, a friend of a coworker, and to be inclusive, I asked him if he wanted to go, too. I was totally expecting a polite refusal, but he seemed a little surprised and said yes, also! God is so, so mysterious in the way that He moves.
I'm ecstatic with how God is moving in SF, and I live for these little glimpses of Heaven, where I get a peek at God's heart for men and women, and even get to experience His vast, unending, and incomparably deep love for me.