dubious

For all my grandeur in my previous post about blogging daily, I totally forgot about my renewed commitment until someone mentioned blogging. Thus, I am quite dubious that I will remember to blog every day.

I am also extremely doubtful of my ability to last for 17 days virtually alone. I feel like my mindset is turning into that of a survivor-to simply get through the next 2 1/2 weeks, instead of enjoying that time. But we weren't meant to just exist; we were meant to thrive, full of meaning and hope and passion and life.

In a moment of sincere frankness, I think I just feel abandoned. This summer has been quite the challenge, and it would be a lie to say that God turned His back on me, but I definitely feel alone and forgotten. Don't get me wrong, God is faithful and has provided for me, but I've had some pretty low lows here. A couple days ago, two dear friends of mine visited, and I felt like the old me, the real me, was back. I haven't laughed that much all summer. I felt vibrant, filled, loved, and cared for. And happy. And now that they're gone, it is even more miserable knowing that I'm being forced back into the shadow version of myself.

This makes me begin to question myself, and even wrestle with some feelings of guiltiness. Am I depending too heavily on people to feel fulfilled? Shouldn't God be all that I need? If I'm drinking straight from the source, where is my joy? But then I feel confident that as we draw closer to God, we also find ourselves craving community more. And now I just feel confused, wondering if my desire for community is healthy or pointing towards a discrepancy in my spiritual life.

Overall, I think it's safe to say my overarching question is this: How in the world am I going to get through these next 17 days?